Poking Fun at Starkit's Prophecy
by VolcanicPizza
Summary: Risking my life and sanity, I'm poking fun at Starkit's Prophecy just like everyone else. I just couldn't resist doing it. Don't worry, I won't blame you if my IQ dips several points while I'm doing this. Rated T because my comments are explicit and because Starkit's Prophecy caused a severe IQ dip in everyone who reads it. (Complete)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yep, I'm doing it too... making fun of the awful fanfiction Starkit's Prophecy. I was inspired by Cynical-Britton to do this one.**

 **My comments are bolded.**

 **I haven't bothered to include allegiances.**

The cats gathered around a pool. They all looked into it eagerly. A dark shape appeared on the surface.

 **Gee, well that's specific. Already we're off to a shitty start.**

A blue she cat looked up. Her eyes were bright.

"There is a prophecy!" She said. "out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

 **Spoiler alert: This prophecy is totally predictable.**

"Its about StarKit!" A white tom said. "Shes going to save the forest,"

 **Sure, well, she's also going to make all the readers of this cruddy thing lose a few brain cells, and have the rest leak out their ears.**

He looked at a gold tom by BlueStar.

 **'BlueStar?' Please. It's Bluestar, dumbass,**

"she has powers nobody dreamed of." Said the gold tom. "Should we tell JayFeather?" He asked. "Yes." Said BlueStar. "he needs to know."

 **Know about what? How Starkit's going to destroy everyone's brain cells? Yes, he should definitely know!**

She walked away from the pool to tell JayFeather about the prophcy.

did u like it? plz tell me in urm review!

 **No, I didn't like it! This fanfic is shit!**

 **A/N: I will not apologize to fans of Starkit's Prophecy for making fun of it, because this thing sucks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Next bit! My IQ's already dipped several points just from the prologue. I shudder to think what might happen this chapter...**

 **Here goes...**

 **By the way, I'm thinking of editing Starkit's Prophecy after this so it's actually credible and not a giant troll. Tell me what you think of that in the comments.**

Chapter to the rose of a Heroin

 **'Rose of a Heroin?' WTF is a rose of heroin?**

 _ **ok jazzie-kun pleas dont get mad at me cause your not in it yet. You'l apear soon dont worry.**_

 **WTF? Don't put your dumb friend in, my brain cells are dying off fast enough already!**

StarKit wock up and sunlit was in the branches. She closed her eyes againstill tired. Butter mom wouldn't let her sleep not today.

 **Your mother is butter? (Sorry for stealing your line, Cynical-Britton.) Dairy products can't turn into warriors!**

"Sweety its time to get up" said Dawnsparkle; her eys shinning. "Today is important today."

 **Dawnsparkle is one of the stupidest fucking names I've ever heard.**

"What is it Mom" said StarKit awake right away. Then the she cat rememembered what today was.

 **'Rememebered?' Sounds like something that belongs on Memecenter.**

"Ohmigosh its my serimony today!' she squelled excercisedly. Today was the day she was an apprentice!

 **How can you 'squell excercisedly?' There aren't any treadmills, ellipticals, weight machines, or anything in ThunderClan camp! (I'm assuming this is** **ThunderClan and not RetardedClan.)**

She flicked outside not even waiting for her Mom. But her Mom cot up to her quick.

 **How? Did she fly on a magical bed? How can she cot up?**

"Sweety you know the clans don't except cat slike use sometimes." She said.

 **Well, as long as they're not ShadowClan, ThunderClan likes them,**

StarKit glared. She didn't lake beig told that. Just because her Mom was a usedto be Shadowclan cat and her dad was jayFeather the medicine Cat didn"t mean she ws different!

 **Okay, I take it all back! Can you say Mary-Sue? ShadowClan dairy product for a mother and a blind medicine cat as a dad? Eff off, Starkit. I have no sympathy for you. (Listen! The world's tiniest violin is playing for her sorrow! Hear it?)**

"StarPaw come here." Said FireStar from the leg. He jumped down.

 **Leg? Was he just having a long fap or something? Maybe he was using his pocket pussy.**

"StarKit it s tome for you to become an apentice: he said. "Your a strong brave cat and because of that I will mentor with you."

 **'Strong, brave cat?' She's your great-granddaughter, which is just weird. He didn't even mentor a cat since Bramblepaw, back in the old forest.**

Ever body gasped. StarKit did too. Se herd hear mother say "Wow!".

 **You don't deserve this, Starkit. You should have Mousefur for a mentor, or Yellowfang, both of them would claw your Mary-Sue ears off.**

Firehert liked her shoulder. He whispered in her ear "youll be the best their ever was StarPaw I know ti."

 **'Liked her shoulder?' Are they at a prom, with her wearing those bare-shoulder dresses or whatever they're called?**

Surpised she walked away when they were done howling for her./ Then she went ofer to JayFeathern and DawnSparkle who were very prod.

 **'Howling?' They aren't dogs, shut up. Starkit is a stupid cliche, how dare you cheer!**

"Daughetr where very happy but he have to say something said Jayfeather his chest puffed ouit. "You see there is this prophcy Starcaln gave me it said that out of thedarkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

 **Yes, well, we can _all_ guess what that means. Even Starkit can't be dense enough to not figure it out!**

StarPaw gasped. What does it mean?

 **Well, maybe she is stupid enough to not figure it out. Obviously she's got her head up her ass.**

 _ **lol I update fast dont i. REVEIW or ill hit over the head with a frying pan! XDD jk**_

 **I'll hit you with a frying pan, demon! Y U DO THIS, other than so we can cynically review it?**

 **A/N: Chapter Two went down quick. All I have to do is type what I'm thinking!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Well, six views already! I'm impressed.**

Chapter three the Battle 4 the caln

 **Oh, yippee skip. Would it hurt to type out 'for' instead of just putting '4,' you lazy bum!**

 **thx jazzie-kun 4 th good review! and stop flmaing the stroy!1 i bet u cant right such a good story!1!1**

 **Yes, I could write a cruddy story like this; the question is, could _you_ write good stories? Would it hurt to stop using 1 in place of exclamation points and spell-check once in a while? You would spare a lot of innocent brain cells from violent slaughter!**

StarPaw walkd over too the appentice's den. Insid she saw her sister's FlamePaw and lakePaw and hr frend JazzPaw (a.n: jazzie-kin ur my bff!) waz slepping on the mos.

 **Flamepaw and Lakepaw? Why haven't we heard of them... oh, yeah. They became apprentices already, but Starpaw was held back for being a retarded Mary-Sue. Also, Jazzpaw? WTF? Warriors don't even understand the concept of music! There's no singing or instruments or anything! Period!**

"JazzPaw get up." She cried. JazzPaw opend her brlliaint blu eyes and looked at hr.

 **Jazzpaw, you lazy slacker! Everyone else in the clan was up to watch Starfuck's apprentice ceremony, and they don't give a shit about her! You're supposed to be her friend!**

"Do yo want 2 go on pattrol wit me?" she asked.

 **Who died and made you deputy, bitch? Nobody sends out patrols of two apprentices, because nobody except for you would be stupid enough!**

"Sure!" Said JazzPaw getten up from the moss. They leavt and went two the entrnse too camp.

But then, a cat came in thru the entrnce! It was BlackStar!1!11

 **Why, hello, Blackstar. Care for some tea and crumpets? (Enough using 1 as an exclamation point!)**

"Shadowclan are attaking!" She yelled.

 **No, it's just Blackstar. He's come for a civilized tea party, and you're going to scare him off just so you can eat all the crumpets yourself, greedy guts! Bad kitty, very bad kitty! (swats Starpaw with flyswatter)**

All the cats came out from there dens. She jumped on a cat and clawd him and he ran of.

 **Why would you do that? That's Blackstar's friend with the other crumpets, you crumpet thief!**

"Good job StarPaw!" FireStar called, "The last cat i new that culd fiht lik that was SandStrom. Your a good fihter!"

 **Y U INSULT SANDSTORM LIKE THAT? Starpaw, you are an absolute asshole!**

StarPaw was happy. She wus a good fihgter!

 **No, she isn't. She clawed a poor cat, and he didn't want to spill his crumpets and let her have them, so he ran away so she couldn't get any. I admit it was a tiny bit cruel, not giving Starpaw even one crumpet, but SHE'S A MARY-SUE! SHE DESERVES IT!**

Maybey this was wat the prophcy meant.

 **No, that's what the following prophecy from the crumpets meant: 'The greedy star will try to eat the innocent crumpets.'**

thnkx and ples no more flams

 **I'll flame all I want! Flame! Flame! Flame! Flame! Flame!**

 **So that's why you named Starpaw's sister Flamepaw? So you can kill her off in a symbolic destruction of those heroes and heroines who risk their sanity reading this to tell you it's shit whom you term 'flams?' Or are you too fucking stupid to grasp the concept of 'symbolic' or 'people hate your shit, take it down!'**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am on fire updating! My hope is if I get this done quick as possible, I'll lose minimal brain cells. Apologies to Cynical-Britton for using lines from 'Starkit's Prophecy: The Running Commentary.'**

OMGOSH GUkys im so sorry but SOMEONE glares at rainy days FLAMED ME AND I GOT REALLY HURT.

 **Boo hoo, sniff. I'll go get you a straw so you can suck it up.**

OKKAY IF you dont LIKE thestor y you dont have to readit u know.

 **Are you kidding me? We're risking our very lives and IQ points flaming you so you get the message to SHUT THIS THE FUCK OFF! The IQ points and brain cells of millions are at stake.**

Chapter Three The Traning Under The Stars

Shadowclan run from the camp.

 **It wasn't ShadowClan, you bitch, it was Blackstar and Crumpetpelt, come for high tea.**

StarPaw smiled. Shed one!

 **No, you didn't 'win' anything. You just scared off Blackstar and Crumpetpelt and their innocent crumpets. Firestar arranged this days ago, and you ruined his tea party!**

Noone cod hurt her family now .

 **Please. Do you honestly think a noone cod will hurt a stick of butter and a blind noncombatant? (What is a noone cod, anyway, and why does she want it to hurt her family?)**

StarPaw!" said FireStar. "Its time we train!" I want to show you how to fight!"

 **Well played, Firestar. You'll lure her out into the forest with promises of teaching her how to fight, and then MURDER HER for messing up your tea party.**

"Ok." Sad StarPaw happl;y. "but yo just saw I culd fight, write?"

 **Uh-oh, she's seeing through your tricks, Firestar. Save it, quick!**

"Well, ya." said FireStar. "But I wnted tol see if that was all you new."

 **Masterfully saved, sir. Masterfully saved.**

"Ok."

 **YES! She fell for it!**

They went to the frost togather and the other cats cleaned jp the bodies.

 **Bodies? Where'd the bodies come from? Obviously it was Mousefur and Longtail dropping dead from old age, because Blackstar and Crumpetpelt wouldn't have hurt them, they would've given them a few spare crumpets.**

"Ok StarPaw" said Firestar one they got their. "We'll start with how to dog."

 **How do you dog? If that was a misspelling of 'dig,' what does digging have to do with battling?**

"Cmon thas too easy!" yelled StarPaw. Shed just beat BlackStar she was ready for anything!

 **No, you didn't. You clawed Crumpetpelt, and even then it was because you had ulterior motives such as eating all his crumpets.**

"ok Ok" mewled FiresTar, lets learn how to claw an oponit.

 **What's an oponit? I typed into Google 'define oponit' just now, and I got 'showing results for define opponent.' Please define oponit?**

"Ya." Yowled Starkit.

 **YES! The jaws of the trap are closing around her throat! Finish her, now, Firestar!**

She jumped at FireStar not Giving hiM time to attakc.

 **Firestar, you... you... WHY WEREN'T YOU PREPARED? YOU COULD HAVE FINISHED HER RIGHT THERE!**

"She hit his side he didn't move he was to surprise.d she clawed him and he started bledding. "wow StarPaw" he said ".Your doing awesome."

 **No, she isn't, you ginger cunt. She's being a bitch, which comes naturally for her.**

"Really?" gaped StarPaw. She didn't think she was doing that god was she relly special like the porphesy meowed?

 **'She didn't think she was doing that. God, was she O'Reilly special like the purging meowed?' is what my phone makes of that when I put it in and enable auto-correct.**

"Yes StarPaw." Snarled Firestar.

 **Dude, I understand you're mad because you couldn't kill Starpaw and underestimated her skill, but don't blow your cover, or she'll realize that you want to** **kill her.**

"I couldnteven get away in fast enough. Only scourg was did that before.,"

 **Yes, and also Tigerstar. I understand, though, you don't want to scare her by comparing her to an evil, tyrannical murderer (the only difference between them is Starkit is female, a Mary-Sue, and slaughters brain cells instead of half-Clan cats), so you just compare her to an EVEN MORE EVIL cat who's also your half-brother and therefore her great-great-uncle. Real smooth, kid.**

"OMGOSH REALLY?" asked StarPaw. Scourg?1? THE SCOURG? She dherad so muchj about him he was really evil and killed alot of cats. "I'M LIKE SCOURG?

 **Yes, you are. Only difference is, you're more evil and you are murdering my IQ points one by one right now.**

"I didnt mean it like that" FirePaw sad fastly. "I ment you wer a good fighter. Its really cool."

 **You saved it then, but make sure to kill her for ruining your tea party...**

At that minute he thought to himself 'Starpaws so kawaii look at her eys and her fur.

 **'Kawaii?' 'KAWAII?' Dafuq, Firestar? She's your great-granddaughter! It's one of those 'falls-in-love-with-assassination-target' stereotypes! Save us all!**

"Oh ok thanks." They trained floor awhile later StarPaw beat FireStar 8 times once she let him win to make him fel bettar and b y the last one she was alittle tired.

 **She let him win to make him feel better. So let me get this straight... a brand-new apprentice is mopping the floor with the leader, who is also her great-grandfather? Show a little respect for Grampy, kid.**

"Hey FireStar can we hunt now." Said StarPaw. "im kinda hungry."

"Oh we'll if you want." Firestar was disappointed he and; starPaw had been having so much fun. So they went huntng, StarPaw messed up a couple times but FireStar said it was okaysince it was only her second time (she'd had her first time when she was a littlekit and she and FireStar had snuck out together that's why he chose her as his apprentice_.

 **WHAT? You know better, Firestar, YOU KNOW BETTER! SANDSTORM'S YOUR MATE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE HER FOR YOUR GREAT-GRANDDAUGHTER!**

Later that night StarPaw locked up at the stars. She and Firestar had'd so much fun this day. Theyd brung back enough food for the hole clan.

 **You're not supposed to have fun with your mentor, you're supposed to train to be a warrior.**

Locking upn at the stars she turned to her best friend, JazzPaw, and said, "Do you think well ever be up there."

 **No, you'll be burning in hell... er, the Dark Forest.**

"Ya totally." Said JazzPaww. "I mean youll be l,eader and I'll be depudy one day well have too!"

 **What moron would make Starpaw deputy and let her be leader, and then WHY would Starpaw make Jazzpaw deputy? You don't just make your best friend deputy! Nobody asides from Firestar does that!**

"Ya." Said StarPaw smiling she loved JazzPaw NOT IN THAT WAY U SICKOS!)

 **Well, it turns out Starpaw is a raging homosexual. Firestar will be so disappointed...**

they were best friends. She loked up at the stars again and smiled and fell asleep wit the Starcaln voices whisper in her head.

 **Yes, there's a word for 'hearing voices in your head.' It's called 'being psychotic.'**

REVIEW R MY LIFE

(lol u like it Jazzy I mead you as kawai as I could(

 **You failed at making Jazzpaw 'kawaii.' She's an airheaded, gay bimbo, like Starpaw.**

 **A/N: Hope everybody likes this! If you don't just comment and I'll stop. I'll be more than happy to cease risking brain cells.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is going so quickly mainly because it's so easy to criticize Starkit's Prophecy.**

 **Review, please.**

flamrs ur all satanits!11 anyon who dosent like the stro is a staneist cause StarGIPaw has such a strng conecton with sTarcaln and thats why you dot like it, its cause u do ntlik JEZUS!

 **Uh, I'm a Catholic, I go to church every Sunday, and it's STARKIT who is a Satanist! Plus, if you weren't a Satanist yourself, you'd know there's more to Christianity than just 'liking Jesus,' as you put it.** **If you're going to call us motherfuckers, just do it!**

"StarPaw wok up its tim 4 parole."

StarPaw opnd hr brite reinbow eys and locked arund.

 **The jury's sentence: Execution! You've just been given a short amount of time until your death.**

"Omigosh who wus tha!1!1"Sshe yellow.

"Its me GrayStipe" GrayStrip wisperd in her er. StarPaw gottedup.

"Omigosh Graystip what do u want!1 she yelped GrayStrpe locked at hr. "Wll u be my mat" hE ESked.

 **You have a mate already. Don't cheat on Millie, she'll be heartbroken.**

"OMigosh grayStripe thats so nic!" StarKit scremed. "but FireStar alredy esked me."

 **No, he didn't, he just thought that you're kawaii, which you aren't!**

"wel then hes jst an idot."

y do u say tha?" yellED STARPaw GayStrip locked at hr meanly. "i dont lik him" sqeakd GrayStripe he locked arund fastly. "hes a mean cat!

 **I thought Firestar was your best friend, Graystripe. Why would you do this to him?**

"OMIGOSH U MEAN LIKE SCOURG?" STARPAW SHOCKED.

 **Yes, like Scourge, you little rainbow-eyed fucker. You're coldly carrying out the execution of my brain cells right now.**

"No ur much prtter then sourg" said Graystripe

 **Well, that's not very hard to do, even for Starpaw.**

he licked her on the head I want u to be my mat." he yeleled.

"Well mabey. but what would FireStar say?" she wispereed. GrayStripe locked around agan. "I dont think he wuld mind." said GraStri;e

 **Of course he'd mind, his best friend and his great-granddaughter mating. You're from four generations before her!**

"OMIGOSH SUR THAN!" StarPaww yelleded happly.

 **You're both psychotic.**

"Wat ar uo ta;kin abut" said FireHert he was walkin up. He locked angrily.

 **What did he lock angrily? I didn't know he had a little kitty safe for his condoms.**

"oh uhhhh nuthin FireStar go back to sleep!" mwled StarPaw hoppin he would leaf so she culd be alon with grayStripe.

 **If he does, then Millie will walk in and screech her head off. Knowing Starpaw's twisted, bisexual mind, she'll probably play soccer with it, rape it, or both.**

"Yah FireStra theres nithing to wory about!" cherrid GrayStrpe but Firestar didn't leave insted he said i thought I herd you asking her to be our mate."

 **Like you care?**

"oh uh yeh. yELLED STARPaw but he didn;t leaf instead he jumped on GrayStripe!1!11

 **ENOUGH WITH FUCKING USING 1 FOR EXCLAMATIONS POINTS, YOU TROLL!**

"I Want to be wit her!" said FireHart attakin GraySriep.

"No I do!" shouted.

"guysys stop fihting you can BOTH be my mats! StarPaw wispered apply like seCert."

 **Yeah, that could work out. As I recall, Whitestorm was mates with both Brindleface and Willowpelt... and then Brindleface got slaughtered by Tigerstar and Willowpelt got killed by a badger. If only Firestar were mates with Starpaw and Jazzpaw, we'd take out both of 'em at once.**

"No we can;t do that their can only be 1!11 Howled Firestar. "Otterwies youll chet on us."

 **I wouldn't put it past her to cheat on you with Jazzpaw.**

"So StarGleam, who will u pik?" giggled GayStipe.

 **'GayStipe?' Dafuq is wrong with you?**

 **A/N: I think this'll be all for today.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I don't really think I'm going to do any more A/Ns in this.**

Chapter Five Untidles

 _ **UR OLL JUST SAINTS y cant u just except jEsuss it wold mae ur life so much mor engoyable u would never haf to worr/ again**_

 **Um, I don't think I really understood that, but if you're doing another thing where you call us all Satanists, just say 'You're all motherfuckers' and get it over with!**

StarPaw sad "I..i….." she was so foncusded!

 **I'm 'foncusded' too by the bad spelling.**

Thes to cats hard asked her to b there mates an wht was she supops to do?

 **Answer: Tell them Jazzpaw's your mate. That'll send them both off.**

They we beoth handsome and althing, but bot had matss! Nhd she luvved them both! FirstAr wus so kind and he oviusly likked her allot. GayStirpe was so funny and col.

 **Um... this is just all weird. I think that the author may have a slight case of dyslexia, insanity, or both.**

"!" said StarPaw ass she ruan in to the forest. It wus to muck# she culdnt choss!

 **"!" is all you say? Wow, that's articulate.**

She run and ran and run til ur paws her hurtinged. Hen she rrellized she corsed the broader. Oih no she thugh Shadowclan will get me.

 **Well, I hope they do, so we'll be rid of you and all your whining.**

"wut are you ding here?" sd BalkStar s he waked up.

 **Why was Blackstar sleeping in the middle of the territory?**

"I'm sorry!" mewoed StarKit I didn't men too!'

That's ok" sed blackStar. "no wons perfeck."

 **WHAT? In case you don't remember, she's the one who ruined you and Firestar's tea party! (Yes, I'm going to keep dragging the tea party gag along.)**

"no that's not true." Said StarPaw, offed. "StarClan is."

 **Err... StarClan thought Hollyleaf was the third cat of the prophecy and gave nine lives to Brokenstar and Tigerstar, yet refused to give any to Nightstar. I'd say they aren't perfect.**

"Waht do you mena?" wemed BlackStar.

 **Good, Blackstar understands.**

"well the give us all this halpand stuff" said Starpaw. "without them we wold be lust." She said.

 **That's the first intelligent thing you've said all through this cruddy story.**

"I gess that's ter " balkcStar said,

 **"and also, you're an overrated Mary-Sue who deserves to be firebombed into hell."**

"besid I didn't relly mean that neway.

 **"Because you're an asshole."**

"o really why?" said starpaw.

 **"Because you're an asshole, you dick. Are you even listening to me?"**

"becus yo are."

'WHAT' YOWLED sTarpaw jumping away BlackkStarTried to nugle her.

 **And how does one 'nugle' one, exactly?**

"WHAT ARE O TRIG TO DO MOLE STRAEP ME?1?"

 **I don't even know how you managed to throw in a one with the question marks, it's the complete opposite side of the keyboard.**

"e—" BlakStar started too expaln, but, StarPw wass to quick

"no" she Sid "I don't doned another tom after me!" "I got enog porbelms arigt now anywy!

 **Yes, because you're an asshole with an IQ of pi, with two otherwise perfectly sensible toms and one slightly psychotic tom after you.**

"but yor pahfect." Said Blackstar. "you betted me in badle you HAVE TO BE "

 **Uh, beating your ass in battle doesn't mean she's perfect, dick.**

"NO!" shitted SarPaw

 **leaving a trail of excrement behind her as she ran into the forest, sticking her head into a bear trap and committing suicide. All of the Clans cheered that Starpaw was dead, and they entered a new era of prosperity.**

Again runnin into the forst. Ters ralled down her checks she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though. "Starcalnb help me….!"

 **StarClan won't help you, you're supposed to be powerful and whatever. Do Mary-Sue shit and magic up a fireball to murder yourself with.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I am reading everybody's reviews, I'm just not responding in the A/Ns because it gets me out of the flaming mode.**

Chapter Six Desions,  
STUP GLAMING!11! IF YOU'R AN FLAM,E YOUR A STNITS AND WIL BUN IN HEIKL!

 **And just what is 'heikl' exactly? How does one 'bun' in it? If that means I'll be sitting on my ass eating cinnamon buns when I die, I'll just have negative regret for flaming this.**

LASTEST TIEM ON STARKITS PROPEHY:;

 **Nobody gave a fuck.**

"NO!" shitted SarPaw Again runnin into the forst. Ters ralled down her checks she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though. "Starcalnb help me….!"

Afert tat StrPaw walkde thru the frost. She wus so depresedded! Hu was seh sapost to pik?/?/

 **Uh... well, we can rule out Firestar, he wants to kill you for ruining his tea party AND is your great-grandfather... Graystripe is your great-grandfather's best friend... and Blackstar is in ShadowClan and is old enough to be your great-great-great-grandfather... so, ignoring the fact that you're an apprentice, assuming you're not lesbian, and going off of the decisions cats made before you, your best option, sticking to the Erins' principles, is... Blackstar!**

Then she saw JayFethre cumin thru the forst tords her.

"JayFeathr im soooo confusedd wat do i do she yelled their are three toms atref me! TREEE!"!

 **Why did you need to yell 'tree' at your father? Is a tree going to fall on him? (Jayfeather leaps out of the way as a tree lands on Starpaw) Nope, it's gonna crush you, whiny bitch.**

i know" sed jayFethr he locked happy. "thats good four you it menzz that p[eo[le like uo. he told he smilling.

 **Uh... Jayfeather would never have said that. He'd say something like 'I'll get you a straw so you can suck it up' and walk off.**

"NO NUT I LUV ALL OF THEM" sed StarPaw back waling upst. "I DON'T KNO WHO TO [ICK!1!1"

 **Sooo... you're in love with Blackstar after five seconds? Damn, Starpaw, you're even more of an asshole than I thought.**

"wel ten let me tel yo a stor.y said JayFeathern and he sat don. Onceu pon a tiem there were afew cats that I licked."

 **Yes, you've licked every cat with an injury. That'd be... just about everyone. I don't think Starpaw wants to hear a story about being a medicine cat (not that I have any sympathy for her)**

"hu where they sad StarPaw snifing.

"theyre names were DawnSpark;e and... Stick/ saud JayFeather.

 **First of all, WHAT? Second, WHERE'S HALF MOON? Jayfeather, you treasonous spawn!**

"OMG STICK wispred StarPaw "YOU WHERE IN LUV WITH A STICK? She culdnt belief it. After al this tim she finds out that her fathe loved a sTICK. SHE GAPD IN SHOC.

 **and yelled, "Jayfeather, you're an apeshit dickface. Disown me!" Or, as the author of this shit would say, "an yeleled, 'JaFeattr, ure oan apshi tfickfassw. Diaown me!1!11!'"**

"Wat did you do? she esked thoug cuase she was crios.

 **"Well, I fucked the stick after wearing a condom, so I got that over with, next I stole a stick of butter from ShadowClan and used it as a pocket pussy. On contact with sperm, it became a cat, had three kits, two normal and one retarded, and half ThunderClan commited suicide at your stupidity."**

Wel I culdn have kids with a stcik now culd i?" said JayPaw and he locked confuded. LIKE HE DIDN;T EVN KNO SHE WAS GNNA ASK THt qestn.

 **Well, duh! He didn't assume his own kit would be retarded enough to ask how it turned out when her VERY EXISTENCE is a testament to the fact that he decided to fuck a dairy product instead of a stick.**

"sO YOU WENT WITH DAWNSPARKLE INSTD! YELLED STARpaw locking vry happi. "but that doesn;t help me what am I spost to do?/?

"Folo youre hart said Jayfeahr. "Who do yo want to be wit/"

Hmm StarPaw taught for a secund.

 **"Jazzpaw!" she yelled, and then ran back to the camp to proclaim her homosexuality to her fellow apprentice.**

FireStar!" she yelldd and then run of to tel him that she ;oved him

 **I can't even begin to describe how many ways this is wrong in.**

NO FLAMSE!1!12!1

 **I will flame you until you're a human torch.**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Ate The Serimmony 1

 **And what ate the 'serimmony,' exactly?**  
 _ **STOP REVOFIGN BAD! but than u JASZpAW for tehh godo revewis uve ben levving**_

 **I'll flame you and I'll flame you until I burn your house down.**

StarPaw skided into de Camp. "FIRSTAR" SHE YOWLED "I ha to tel; uo somesting?"

 **"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOU'RE FAT!"**

"nut ow StarOaw" he sadi "yuve gut to become WARRIOR!'

 **I have only one comment: dafuq?**

"MOGOSH REALLY creamed StarPaw.

YEAH SAID firestar "Youv been a war for onll 3.14 dayss butt

 **So she's been a warrior for pi days and some poor soul's ass is involved?**

u are the best apent ice in the cAlan. Ur perfect. We ndd you to help dfeat BlackStar and ShadowclaN. And all teh other calns. Tehy are tyring 2 attack us were in the meddle of a warr. "

 **And how did this all happen in the half-hour she was away from the Clan?**

"omgosh WE ARE?" scremmed StarPal she sus so surpissed!

 **I'd be pissed too. (I can't believe I'm relating to this little piece of shit!)**

"Ya DustPelt did while U were away in your walk Rivrclan attacked us." Said SandTrom. She locked sortaf sad she New FireStart lovved Stargleam. But it wass ok she newt wht wus best.

 **What, what, what, what, WHAT? First, Sandstorm wouldn't let it go like that and think it's 'for the best,' second, she'd point out Starpaw is her great-granddaughter, third, this just plain would never happen, just like Justin Beiber will never have everyone love him and this fanfiction will never have more than five people liking it.**

"OMGoht" sid StarPaw. "Quickk mack me a warrror!"

"Oak" said Firestar. He wlaked up to StarPaw. "aLL Cats Gather Round Who Are Older To Cach There One Prey!"

 **Why are you calling a meeting so older cats can 'cach' their prey?**

"Tday we are making a new Warrior."

The calnn GASPED!

 **"That whiny bitch'll never be a warrior!" shouted everyone, and they killed her.**

"SarkPaw! StarPaw!: shouted the clan. They all new infancy it was she whom was beng mad a warrior.

 **The Clan wouldn't cheer! At the very least Starpaw's littermates would be mad.**

Starpaw was so exited! She'd never bin so hap inner life!

"StarPaw….." said FirePaw. He was simile like shed never sent him simle behfore. "Are you ready to become a Warrior in the Name of Starcaln?:"

"Yes!" she shock3d.

"oak." Eh sad. "Then by the powers of Starclan, I gave you this narme. From now on, you will be none as StarPaw for your pel which sings like the starss and ur conectin 2 StarClann.

 **Why is her name still Starpaw? According to all the shit I've seen her warrior name is Stargleam.**

We onner you'r bravvery and" " kindness."

 **I see the quotation marks for sarcasm. (Yes, those were originally there.)**

"SarkPaw! StarPaw!: shouted the clan. They

StarGleam girned. She wass a Warrior! At least!"

 **Yes, at least she's a warrior. She could've been made worse, like being sent back to the nursery (what she deserves)**

"FireScar," she said, cuming over 2 him. "I wanna tell u somesing." They locked sirously at him.

 **Who looked 'sirously' at who? (Dammit, I've probably said this before, but this is some shitty grammar.)**

"yeah wat is it?" he sad, hop shinning in his eayres.

 **As far as I know, 'hop' is a kind of alcoholic beverage. So, let me get this straight... he was hitting the booze because he thought she was going to confess she was homosexual and win over Jazzpaw? I can't saw I'm fucking surprised.**

Dos he knew? StarGlema think.

"Firestar…." She brethed. She cullednt she was actually dong this after so lung.

"I….."

 **"hate you so fucking much, motherfucker, and I'm going to rape your face off!"**

WINDCLAN ATTAK! Shioted a voise from obove the Camp.

It was….

 **Ashfur's testicles, which had been mysteriously missing ever since his birth.**

HOLYLEAF!

 _ **I workd reall' herd on dis chapter n tired 2 spell good**_

 **News to me.**

 _ **so plzz review NICE**_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: My fanfiction Smokepaw's Quest is going to be on hiatus until at least one more person votes in the poll on my page! Sorry to hold it hostage, but it's in service of a greater good!**

Chatter NEIN

 **Chapter Nein, eh, Hitler Junior? On a scale of one to ten, ten being the stupidest, how dumb is Hitler? (Sorry if this is a sensitive issue to anyone whose family members were in Nazi Germany or its oppressed regions) The answer is: NEIN, NEIN, NEIN, NEIN! (audience groans)**

Teh Evil Tigger and holY

 **An evil Tigger from Winnie the Pooh and an evil holy thing? Well, GREAT villains you've got there! (That was sarcasm.)**

 _ **I SAID NO FLAMES! YOUR JUST JELOS YOUR GOING 2 HEL LJESS IS OYUR SAVER**_

 **I have no suitable reaction for that. So here's a picture of Elmo with his friends Captain Picard and Gandalf.**

"Ohno its HolyLeaf!" yelled FireStra he ranned away. SandStrom wnet aftre him.

 **Well, true. I'd be shocked seeing a cat I thought was dead.**

StarGlaem locked up. HolyLeaf was stnding their and their was anodder chat with hr.

"OMIGOSH ITS TIGGERSTAR!" she hossed.

 **How did Tigger from Winnie the Pooh become a leader, and how exactly does one 'hoss?'**

"WHTA WIL WE DO!"

 **Shit our pants and whimper in fear, apparently.**

"we figt." saud Jayfeathre and he ran at HollyLeaf. StarGlema washed as HolyLefa locked at JayFather and kiled him with one shot.

 **First of all, I was expecting some witty banter between them. Second, Hollyleaf would never kill her brother, no matter how evil and twisted she'd become (WHICH SHE WOULDN'T DO, BY THE WAY! Hollyleaf just doesn't have it in her to break the warrior code like that. Ashfur's death was an exception, and she killed him because he had no balls.)**

"YOU KILDED MY FTHER! she yelled and she attcked HolyLeaf.

 **I sense a disturbance in the Force. George Lucas is turning in his bed at this mis-quoting of Star Wars and its misuse in this crud.**

HollyPaw gut out of the way and StarPaw attaked TiggerSar.

"U killed TigerStra!" uelled FiresStar he locked happy.

 **And when did Tiggerstar die, exactly? Perhaps Starpaw hit him with one of the missing crumpets she stole from Blackstar, and being poisoned by Blackstar's halitosis, he withered to dust.**

"You are speshil!"

StarGleam was sooo happy, she didng notse as HollyLea grabbed Firestar and took him way.

"OH NO" yelled StarKit. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

 **I dunno... judging by how the author has turned him into a lazy bastard who wants to fuck his great-granddaughter, I think we can safely leave him.**

 _ **a cilf hunger1!111! see im a god riter**_

 **You're not a God writer, dammit! You didn't write any of the sections of the Bible.**

 _ **i no what thta id thx f4r the good revweiws JzzPaw && everon else WHOSE NIT A FALMER**_

 **I'm not a farmer. (I think that's what was written.) Ergo, you can't be mad at me! (sings the troll song while dancing in circles)**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten The Recluse  
"EVERONE FALLOW ME" meowled StarPleam as see charred for th3 entranse to eh camp. Tares stremmed down her face1 she wuss so sad her fahter had deid her leader was gunn. "FLAMEPAW LAKEPAW DUSTPELT MOM LOINBLAZE

 **Loinblaze? I pity the poor bastard who ended up with that name.**

FALLOW ME." She said. "I NEDD A PAROL."

The run into the frost their pass working fastly. She wood kill HolyLeaf and TigerSar for what thed don!

 **I thought Tiggerstar was already dead because you used your magic crumpet on him. Maybe Hollyleaf used the magical tea that Crumpetpelt had on him to bring him back to life.**

She batlecried using his nose to tar down the evill cats. Her heat burneded!

 **Damn, kid. You have some serious psychological disorders.**

Sune they had funded them. They were hidnig bwhind a bolder. "HAHAHAH" LAUGHED HOLylesf putting er claw on FiresTarS thort. "IVE GOT YOU KNOW!"

 **"He will be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence he came." I remembered that quote from memory. Impressed?**

StarGleam gasped. "noooooo Fireheat!" she scemmed "FalmePawgo!" she said.

 **"No, bitch!" shouted Flamepaw. "You spelled my name wrong, so I'll just sit here and lick my ass."**

Flamepaw hurled at HolyLeaf. Hollyleaf laked at her in suprise. "What how could they have fallowd me." She dogged at Flamepaw her blue eys fallshig.

"NO FLAMEPAW" whaled LakePaw seing her sisters about too die. "I LOVE YOU FALMEPAW."

 **Lesbian much? (I'm not homophobic, I just like using the term 'gay' and correlating terms to make this commentary.)**

She yowled jumping herself in front of HOlyLeaf.

HollyLaffs paw cutt into hir throt blood came out LakePaw felt down.

 **Help me to track her down so I can give her the tacos she rightfully deserves.**

"NOOOO!1!11" StarPaw screamed. "FLAMEAPWWW!" She ran for HoltLeaf but it wass no us. LakPaw was dyeing. "I lofe you StarGleam." She wisperd before er blue I's cosed.

 **Starpaw committed suicide from acute depression, and everyone cheered and sang 'Kumbayah.' Because the real purpose of Hollyleaf's attack was to, after all, kill Starpaw and perform a great service for the Clans.**

"NO WAKE UP LAKEPOOL" shoited Stargleam-she was so sad and depersed she was cyring!

 **(blows smoke off gun) Bitch, please.**

"hahaha" laughed HollyLeaf evil. "u just dunt gedot d o you Im one of teh Tree!

 **Uh... I thought Dovewing was the last of the Three. (Although, quite frankly, I think the Erins should've just given Hollyleaf Dovewing's power and combined Power of Three and Omen of the Stars. Really, I think they were just looking for an excuse to make the series longer. The first five books of the Omen of the Stars were just filler for up to The Last Hope... but that's another ten-page rant. Comment if you want me to make a separate one-shot dedicated to that rant.)**

I have pows beyound ur emaginating!" nd then…. She turned in…. A BARE!

"Gasped" gasped everyone. It was a bare!

"IM A SHAPSHITTER!" siad Hollylea joyly.

 **No, you're a shapeSHIFTER. I saw no evidence of multi-formed shit being excreted from your rear end. All I saw was you turning into a naked Twoleg.**

"stargleam." Said FalmePaw cryingly. "I nedd to go back 2 the damp. I goat bury laekpaw. Ive neverbeen out of camp before how do you get back!"

 **Uh, bitch, you've been apprentice a moon longer than Starpaw, who was held back for retardedness, and you haven't been out of the camp all this time? Who is your mentor, and where is my M27, Ak-47, grenade launcher, or all of the above?**

"U ju wak to te the est. said StarPaw."

 **How can you tell? You've only been an apprentice for pi days!**

Thaks said FlamePaw crying she piced up the LakePaw and putter on her back and run.

"nut so fast!" said Holyleaf! "Your not gunna get away that easly!" Wit a rar like an volcano erection she jumped at StarGlaem!

 **I didn't know volcanoes could have erections. (Oh, that's an awful image in my head I'll never get out.)**

Everone! Gasped! "NOOOO." Yowled STarGleam as sumething lung and sarp pluned into her bk. "YOU CANT GET ME THAT EASLY."

 **"Can too, bitch!" yowled Hollyleaf, and Starpaw died.**

Everyone jumped at the HoBare! The bare rared in pane! Starepaw sent her teeth into its for. It rared.

"oak oka" HolyLeafthe bare said. "i no know Your not guna be bettin that esliay." Suddenly she was a cat1 then her body dropped her eyes went drka she was on the grund.

 **She wouldn't die that easily. Don't let your guard down, Starpaw... or actually, DO! I want you to die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and 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and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and 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and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die, and die,** **and die!**

Suddly ther wass howl from the other side of the froste. It was LaFlamePaw!

 **I didn't know you were French.**

"LAKEPAW UR BACK!" SHE SAD

WHT SAID SPARGLAME. Thenshe locked. It was LakePool! She was runnin tord the forest starGleam was so appy. Then she sawyer eyes.

THEY WERE OLLYLEAFS!

 **Gasp, horror. Oh, no. What will happen next. Ah. How terrifying. I'm scared.**

the next chatter wil coke soon! AND STUP FLAMMING YOU HAETRS. YOU JUST DONT BELVE IN GOOD

 **I believe in the existence of good in the universe. I also believe in the existence of evil. Your argument is invalid.**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Yay, back again.**

 **Itachi'sFangirl818, I totally see what you mean about how someone makes fun of Starkit's Prophecy and everyone loves it. I also enjoyed reading your comments, particularly the ones describing the author of the original story.**

Catter 1 The Fiht Aganst the Sitters 1

"Oh nose!" yellded StarPaw she wus so horrorifed. "LakePaool is buck and seh is NUT OKA!"

 **Gee, what tipped you off, bitch?**

"Of coarse im not okay!" LakeFall screchemd loadly she issed at StarGlame. "I'm being posesd by HolyLeaf wut do you THINK!"

 **Oh, she's possessed! I thought she just got an eye transplant in revenge for getting killed.**

she yelddl and hulrd hesselv at StarPaw. StarGlme was so surpissed she culdn;t mofe

 **Uhh... you're supposed to have powers or some shit. Use them!**

Then... "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was...

 **A wild monkey, which threw bananas at everyone.**

REDPAW! Redpaw runnth over to StarPaw and jumped in font of herr and LakePolawm hit her insta.

 **I didn't know she was German. (If you get that, thumbs up to you. If not, read it carefully.)**

"Nuu Redpaw!" chked StarGlamea and she locked at RedPaw. "RedOaw are yu okayo?" she esked upsed. RedPaw cughed. "No im not but at leaat I sawed yuour lif! she sed and then he did. StarFlame locked at RedPaw she wus so buttifly then StarGleam shock her hud.

 **How is this 'Redpaw' who has been identified as both male and female a butterfly, assuming that's what 'buttifly' means? If it's meant to be 'beautiful', then this is even worse spelling than I thought.**

"No Im STRREET!" she taught madly.

 **Who's she teaching?**

"but now what do we dao agant LakePaw!" she lucked up. LakePaw was runnen toward Loinblzx and she was WIDESPED!

 **There's the mysterious Loinwhatever again. Dammit, that's one awful name to be stuck with.**

"NOWWWWWWW LIonHEAR!" wisprd StarGalem and she ran towed LionBlaze and she hit LakePaw, who did to.

"StarGlame I will get u for thiss11 sed LakePaw as SatinClaw drag away to hellClan.

 **Who is Satinclaw, and where is HellClan? As far as I know, satin is a type of cloth which wouldn't be very good as a claw.**

He waswerng oink naie Polish.

 **Nail polish has somehow made its way into this. Apparently, a pig is using it?**

then StarGlame stinted to crry as she realed that her sitter ass ded.

 **Whose ass is involved?**

"you killd my Subjt!" HolyLeaf rared turng back in a bare. "Ilus get you for thi!" she saud and then she rudhed at StarPlame. "Oh o!" yelld every1 "tarPaw got our of the Way!"

 **No, don't move! Die!**

Tim semd to slow danw

 **Who the fuck is Tim?**

as StarPawlem run awy from the bare. But she ran left into... TIGGERSTAR!"

"Fuhrstar! yellded a TiggerStraw. "You ar gong to did now!" And he held out... SOME JEW!

 **You're very racist. Very, very racist, Hitler Junior.**

"Omg jyew!" elld FamePaw she locked at the yew. "But it wooden work becas thers a lizded on it." They all locked at the lizard. It wus a newt. The nwt ran away.

 **So remind me what this poor Jew has to do with a lizard and then a newt?**

"... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled FamePaw. "Now the yew is gunna wkr!

 **What is this poor Jew going to do? Drop the Jew, Tiggerstar.**

"Ete the yew!" sadi TiggerStar he thirst it at StarGlame StarGleam baked away.

 **What is she baking? Maybe it's crumpets to give to Blackstar and Crumpetpelt as an apology for wrecking the tea party.**

"You're never get moi to ete it!"

 **I didn't know you were French _and_ German! That's your second impressive achievement, Starpaw! (First one was getting three toms to like her while being an over-cliched, overrated Mary-Sue. "But, VolcanicPizza!" you cry. "Starpaw isn't overrated!" That's my whole fucking point. Any rating is overrated for Starpaw.)**

she esked and then she held "YOUE NEVER TOOK ME ALIV!"

"are you so sur?" aksed TigerClar and then he lung at StarGlema and grabed her and ran away. "Youl never cathg me!1111 he laght meanly. "Im gong to Shadowcaln!" And then he luf.

 **Die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die.**

Guyx I ben working relly hard on this wile I was gon. im sor'ry for the wait. Revew betetr and ill updat mor quick

 **You hear that? Everyone, flame that motherfucker!**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: And we're back with more cynical commentary on Starkit's Prophecy! But first, I'd like to insert a link to a rather humorous minicomic I found while derping around on the Internet. It's called 'Zombie Cat,' and it's about Smokepaw from 'The New Prophecy' (if you haven't seen yet, I've got a story about what would've happened if he hadn't died) dying as a kit, then coming back as a zombie!**

 **Here's the link (I had to put spaces in or Fanfiction kept deleting it): forums . warriorcats .** **topic/362288771051203535**

 **Just check it out. It is so, so funny.**

 **Also, I'd like to know if my new cover for Starkit's Prophecy is appreciated. Furthermore, we're past 600 views... can we get to 1,000? If we can, everybody gets digital cookies like this one! (::)**

 **Okay, that's about it, I guess... let's get right into it.**

Cahpter 12 The Sark Forest

 **As far as I know, Sark is an island near Guernsey. I'm not even sure if there's forest on it, but I'll check after this chapter.**

"NO!" yewled StarKit. She run after TigerClaw. but he was to fat.

 **Must be all those crumpets he ate with the Illuminati triangle yesterday.**

She cudlnt catch up. Finly she stoped. She was so tried so sad, Teres begun to role down her face: her sitser was deed and tigerstar had ExcapeD!

 **Boo hoo. Waa. Sarcastic fake crying. NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!**

"y am I so ulsess?/?/' she dsked.

 **GASP! An epiphany! Her first glimmer of intelligence!**

"why couldnt i kill her?" "its not opur falt. Sadi a voice from bedide her. "WHAT WHOSE THEIR" SHE SAID JUMPED.

It juts me. " said JayWing waking to bedside her.

 **Who's Jaywing?**

"Yo couldt kill im becas u're nut dead." "what" said StarGleam "What dlo you men."

"hes in the Dakr Froset!" said JayFeather.

 **Where'd you spring from, pal?**

"hess allready ded!" oh no what do I do thouth starGeam.

 **Uh... turn back. I take back what I said about a glimmer of intelligence.**

"we can go to teh Dark Forste but its ver danger." Mewled Jayfeater.

 **Talk about an understatement.**

"tack me their!" sad StarGleam.

 **Very well. I'll pin you by your fucking tail to a tree and tack you there.**

She slepped and then they were in the Fark Forest. It was dark. Here was no mono 2 lighte the way and it wass heard to see. They herd voices! It wass TiggerStar!

 **And that required an exclamation point why? (At least there were no 1s.)**

"ok tjen well kell her ND invade Thundercaln" he was said. "WHAT NOO!" said StarPaw she jumped at him. she was aboot to hit him when BlackStripe was there!

 **Who. Da. Fuck. Is. Blackstripe? Stop inserting random OCs! You've got four Clans' worth of cats to pick from, stop randomly pulling in OCs!**

"TIGERSAR WATCH OUT" said BlackStrip. TierStar loocked at her and he clawed her. It wasnt fare!

 **Well, duh, of course there's no fare. Warriors don't get the concept of money.**

StarGleam fell to the ground blood was cuming from a wand on her sholder. It was a lot of red blod. HawekFrost Looked at her. She was so buetiful so kawai, he was thought just like FirStar. He loved her. He had to save her.

 **OH, SHIT! This story isn't even't a hundredth believable now!**

He jumped in TiggerStar! He bit him! But it wa s to lat. StarPaw was dyeing. "it was turning balkc. "I love you seh said as she did.

AND THEN STARGLEAM WAS DIED!11!111!11111!1!11!

 **YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (does happy dance) I wonder what the next five million cruddy chapters will be about?**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Let's just get right into this.**

Cahpter 13 The Metang wit Sartcaln  
"Omigish what happnd! shrekd StarPaw. She looked arung. "am I in Starclan?" she eskes when she say the cats that she new.

 **Bitch, please. You're in the Dark Forest.**

"No of cours not your in the Daek Forest!" gagged a gray he-cat.

 **I knew it!**

StarGlame locked around windly for TiggerStar but she culd;nt sea him. "Yes your in SatrCaln! said the she-ca. It was YellowFang. "Wher else wood you be?"

 **Fuck.**

"Yuo dont need to be so red!

 **Red? YELLOWFANG'S A COMMIE! OH, SHIT! (throws nukes everywhere)**

said StarGlame she was mad."

 **Well, fuck you too.**

sorry said YelllowFang but that made me made."

 **Yellowfang, don't you dare apologize. You're supposed to be grumpy.**

"its ok" said StarGleam. "but i was in the sark forest so...HOW DID I DYE?

 **Bitch, you died when 'Tiggerstar' killed you. Or something. I don't remember, but I'm not going to look back and cause further brain damage.**

"TigerStra killed you" said BlueeStar cumin over to her. "he can send cats to starcaln even from the drk Foret"

 **Uhh.. as far as I know, this was written after Sunrise came out. Ergo, I don't think any of the rules about the Dark Forest were specified.**

"Wait so then I'm died?" StarGlame. "What do i do no? I cant safve the frost like this!"

 **You never were supposed to save the Clans, it was the Three!**

"That why we aer gong to send you bak to Thnduer clan!" saud WhitStrip. "But we also have somsing very imptent to tell you first."

 **"You're not actually special, StarClan lied to you. We just used you as a tool to do what we wanted for us."**

"Omg what is it" lauged StarPaw she stinted to jump up and down with joe."

 **Who's Joe, and when the fuck did he appear?**

"I wnat to knew"

"wel their are ten thigs we ned to give you before you goe" said LeafPool and she gave StarGlame 2 rocks with writting on them. "their the ten commons!"

"OMG THE TEN COMMONDENTS" squelled StarGleam and she was so exited. "I GET TO HAVE TEN COMMNDMENTS?"

 **THIS IS SACRILEGIOUS, WHOEVER WROTE THIS! I'm not a mega-strict Catholic, but I do have some personal rules about this kind of stuff, and one of them is that you don't abuse the power of the Ten Commandments. They shouldn't even be featured in trollfics!**

"Ya" said BleuStar "we need to give them to the calns but they wont liten. Thats why we nedd you to do it four us!"

 **Well, that's because they believe in StarClan, who contact them all the time. I've been praying to God for five years to vaporize my mortal enemy Bruce Lakowitski, but he's not dead.**

"Okay" said StarGlame and she left Starclan talking the rocks with her.

 **This is so against everything I can't even begin to describe how... Damn. I can't think of a word to describe how I'm feeling right now.**

 **Fuck.**


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: If anybody knows where the author of Starkit's Prophecy lives, please tell me so I can firebomb their house.**

Chapter Fortene The Ten Commdaments  
Stargalme come down in2 thunderclaln camp. It was dark. Their were no cats otusdie. "SLL CATS GATER" she sadi. They cats gatehred. "I have Tebn Conmondants frum Starclam/" she said. The cats gapsed. The started to mummur. "be quite" starGleam sad. Tehy were quite.

 **Quite what? Quite stupid? Quite enraged? Quite WHAT, fuck you!**

"here she said pushing th3 roks foreword.

 **3 rocks? I thought there were two.**

"Loack at the them. Yu must fallow these commodents fur your hole lifes if you wnt to ge5t into Starcan." She said. They loked at the roxk.

"1. thou shat not belive in other goIncesters

 **I'm guessing this is Warrior-ized Ten Commandments. I really don't think holy documents (or in this case, rocks)should have misspelled words on them.**

2\. Dont make any picturs of anyhing and warhip them. If ou do ai will punsch you an ur grankits.

 **Who'll punch whose grandkits?**

4\. don't say Starcclan in vane.

 **Starcclan in vane! Starcclan in vane! Starcclan in vane! I'm not getting hurt or anything, Stargleam, you little Nazi satanist.**

5\. Work for 6 days and worshipe me on 1.

 **Stargleam... what the fuck? Why would anyone worship a Mary-Sue?**

6\. Repsect our mom and dad.

7\. Dont kill otters unless in batl.e

 **But I'd never kill otters! They're so cute!**

8\. don't br unfateful to our mat.

 **Whose mat? You mean the doormat at the front of each Clan's camp? As I recall, you shredded that when you chased off Blackstar and Crumpetpelt from the tea party.**

9/ Dotn steel things from he other cland.

 **I have no idea what that's supposed to be. (Probably because I'm just giving these a cursory glance and typing what first comes to mind.)**

10\. Dnt lie aboot yiour nieborgh.

 **Sure, I won't... if you just fucking tell me what a nieborgh is.**

10\. Don't be jelos og your neiborgh.

 **Why are there two tens?**

11\. No BENG GAY!f

 **I really think this is more Twelve Commandments than Ten Commandments.**

 **So to recap, Stargleam's Twelve Commandments tell you to not believe in other goincesters (whatever those are), to not worship Picasso paintings or your grandkits get punched in the face, to not say 'Starcclan in vane,' to work for six days and worship Stargleam on one, to respect everyone's parents, to not kill otters unless you're battling them (although why anyone would kill an otter is beyond me), to not be unfateful (I guess that means to not not tell it prophecies) to the Clan camp's doormats, to not 'steel' things from other 'cland,' to not lie about 'nieborgh' (probably a misspelling of cyborg), to not be Jello in front of nieborgh (cyborg), and to not be gay.**

 **Damn. The ironic part is, the only ones I've disobeyed of those is saying 'Starcclan in vane' and worshiping Stargleam, and this is the first time I've read this.**

The cat GAPSED. "Im sorry" said DaysPow. "ive ben a sinner. Ill do better next time!" Al the cats agred. StarPaw was happy! Teh were aon the write pat! If hey fallowed Sartclan thay woud neber go wong!

But suddenly she saw somesting! It was….. REdpaw and LakePaool KISSING

 **So... what? They're sane, I guess, because they don't give a fuck about your Twelve Commandments. Besides, Lakepaw is supposed to be a she-cat and Redpaw's been identified as both.**

 **To quote my little brother (and probably everyone in the world who speaks English): I have no idea what the fuck is going on.**


	15. Chapter 15

Cohpter Fiften THE TURTH  
StarGlam marced ofer too RedPaw and LakePaw she looked angrily. "WhT DID I JUTS SAY?/" she esked. "The elfenth commonment is NO BEING GAY!11

"But I love her!1" said LakePol. _ **(a/n. EW!11 THIS IS DIGUSTING)**_

 **Damn, can you say homophobia? (I'm not homophobic, by the way. I believe that gay people are pretty much the same as straight people, unlike some other Catholics.)**

"But its agant the ten commdnents!" saud StarPaw. She wanet over and thurst herslef betwen them. "Do you WANT to go the dark foret?"

 **I predict she says, "yes."**

"Yes?" ansed RedPaw.

 **Dammit... I'M MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHIC!**

"No you dont" said StarGleam "it'sa relly horribld place." I kno, Ive been their!"

Were sory said RedPaw and lakePolw. They locked sadly. "We wont do it agan."

 **And as soon as Stargleam turns her back, they go right back to kissing.**

"I hope not" said StarGlame turng around and walkin back to FireStar. "We have to show this to the rets off the calns.

 **Fuck you, you're showing a corrupted version of the Ten Commandments which tells you to not be Jello in front of cyborgs. To quote just about everyone: Who gives a fuck?**

"ok said FireStar" "we should go to the Gathern."

"If we go to the Gathern then I can shoe off the commendments to the other claans1" gagged StarGlame happ;y.

 **She continued to gag and puked up a swastika. "AAHH! STARGLEAM'S A NAZI!" shrieked everyone and ran away.**

 **Or, as the author would have put it, she contenywd to gagh and pulked aup a swaastik. "AHHHQ !1!1!1 StARgeLAM"S A NAXI!1!1!1111" sh riekked everyopne and ruina awsy.**

"Cmon lets go!" She ran of not wating fro any other cat and then she was at the Gathern!

"ATENSION ALL CATS" she yelled lepping to the HighRock. ?"I NEDD YOU'RE ATTENSION I HAVE AN ANNOUNCER"

 **And who's the announcer?**

"Omg what is it!11!1" shocked MitsyFoot. "Is it imptent!"

 **No, it isn't important, To save damage to vital parts of your brain, go home. In fact, run home, barricade the camp, and hide your kits. Starhitlergleam is coming...**

"Yes of cors its imptent!111!1"! yellded StarGleam "or else I wuldnt be hear!" "I have the ten Commandmeonts and you need to kno what they ar!" She red the ten commons ot to the other calns and theny all bowed down to her. Thank you for teling use SarkGleam they said happly." "We sont sin again!"

 **They wouldn't agree that easily. Also, who the fuck do you think you are, converting them all to Christianity? They've been following StarClan since the 1940s or so! (I'm all for converting people to Christianity, but only willing conversion.)**

"God" said StarGleam she jumped form the HighRoke. She saw FireStar cumin threw the crowed towed jer. "StarGlame you are a much beter cat then me at this1 you should be letter. Im not deid so ill go join the eldlers insted!"

 **That's not how it works, you cunt.**

he said and he tuched his noise to StarGleams. "You have to go to the MonStone today to go get your nien lives. Ill go with you and so will JayFather."

 **Jayfeather's dead, remember? Or were you too busy making love with your swastika to notice.**

"Kawaii" said StarGlema happly. They left the Gathern and all the cats were cherring for her,

 **"KAWAII?" WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? FUCK YOU!**

 _ **So hod u guys lik eit? it wass so didsuting 2 rite the gya part. HBut thigs are guna be better no inteh clams! Also if ur a bad reveiwer u dont belive in Gosh ull go 2 hekc. thx guys for the god reveis. !**_

 **I'm not even sure how to begin to respond to that.**


	16. Chapter 16

Chaper Sixteen The Nane Lifes

 **NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEINE!**  
But suddenly as SatyrGleam was leafing theri was a nose from the bushs and Shadwclan spring out!2! their was TailPoppy LittleCold, RedStrom OwlPad SchorcWind _**(there from the Alliances I mad them warrior they don apear in the books)**_ and CeaderGeart, and Twanypelt  & RustFur, all of BlacStars bets warriors. StarGleams malting orange swammed with suprise. What ere they going t do? "StarGlaw" said Blackstar sadly. "U cant becomed leader then it will be inblossble for us to have kitsss!" jhe said.

 **Dafuq?**

"Ive got to do BlackSrar its my detsiny." You cant fihtg feat.'

 **No, your destiny is to be a bitch and fry my brain cells.**

"No!" he meowled. "I don't want to loose you!" "Its oky" sad FireHeart he was called that new sinch he wasnt ladder, he hadnt leafed yeat. "Ya" sad GaryStripe "we lofe her to"

"ok" sad BlackStar sadly. They wacked away. StarGlem was glad, she had anew love. Se didnot want 2 dell with this wright now.

 **This is so random and... No.**

StarGleam mead LoinBalze her depudy he take the clkan back to camp.

 **There's the mysterious Loinblaze again. Seriously, what kind of mother would be cruel enough to name their kit that?**

Her and JayFeather and FireStar walked to the MoonPool. "I cant belive it sadi StrGleam. "I can." Said JayFeater he was smelling StarPaw almots gasped shed never seen her father smiel befour! "Your a grate leddar StarGleam ive always none since the first day I saw yo."

 **Jayfeather, you're supposed to be dead. Also, Stargleam is what, less than seven moons old and becoming a leader?**

"Relly." She aksed. "Relay," he said. She smiled to for teh firts time in a log time she was really happy! Shed had someny toms chating after her but now this would be Oka!

 **No.**

They were closed to the MoonSnot now.

 **Moonsnot? I didn't know the moon had a nose.**

StarGleam was startig to gut a litel nervis.

 **What is a litel nervis? If it's prey, why's she gutting it? I'd say the entrails aren't that tasty.**

Wha if starClan didnt like her?

 **Of course they don't like you. They hate you... actually, they probably love you because Twolegs are the Clans' worst enemy and you're casually deleting their brain cells... OH! So that's why she saves the Clans! She deletes all the Twolegs' brain cells and they don't bother the Clans.**

 **Damn.**

They went ot the MoonPolo. It was a shinny; rotund poll. StarGlean had never sen enythin so buetifly inner life befor. "im so produ of you," said FireTar his gaze tinkling. StarGleap purSmiled and liked the warter.

 **What's to like, dammit? It's water.**

It was dark! StarGel am opened erh eyes and she was in a froset. Then there weas lots of stars. 'like me' she thoguth lokoing at the star in her foreheed.

 **Star on her forehead? Even more Mary-Sue than before.**

Then they shinned brighter and there were cats! lost of cats and they were ver starry. Starclab!1!11!

"Are ou reedy" shouted on of them frob the front. "yes sad starKit whe was turbling with exitmente!

"ong of them came up. It was a blue cat. 'Bullstar' wispered StarGleam ahstruck.

 **Who's Bullstar? I thought that only WindClan was familiar with Twoleg farm animals.**

"With this live I gave you liedership said BleuStar puttinger noise to StarGleams. It hurtd! BlueStar wakled away StarGleam wandered ho muck more of this she cold tack it hurt so much she terbled.

 **Good. Hopefully the pain kills her.**

"With this life I give you corrage" said YellowFag storling up to StarPleam. It hurted like neddles!1

BambleCalw came nex. He put his mose on StarGleam's forehed. It hurt lick TiggerSTars class!

 **Tiggerstar was teaching a class of Dark Forest warriors? "Now, class, this is how to kill a Mary-Sue..."**

WithStorm stambled over next. "Woth this lift. I give you strenth. Us it well to pertect your clan."

LeaveWind cam on to her. "Wit this life i give u nolledge." It hurt like fier!1

 **Who's Leavewind? Use existent cats!**

She god a liff rom BundleFace form motherlinest a life from TailStar for qiickness, & a life for StoneFur for bravvery. She was shacking she didn nok if she cold mack it!

 **As far as I know, the lives given give you what you lack. So, she lacks leadership, courage, strength, knowledge, motherliness, speed, and bravery.**

And then… frorm the cord…. came…. A LINO!1!11!1

 **So a strip of linoleum is going to give her her last life?**

SatrGleam GASP! "This is ThunderStar" mowed TallStar. He was the first ledder of Thunerclan! OR it was called LoinClan."

 **LoinClan? Damn. That's one awful name. Can you imagine being part of LoinClan?**

StarPaw coudnt breath? She was so exited and so onered! "I cat beliv its relly you ThungerStar she said in ah. "Its meh" said the lion. He toched his mastiff nose to her nose and the pan was worst than ever befor! StarGleam thougth she would de!

 **And then she died.**

"With his life I give o HEAR. You have a realy strong heat bfour but is even stornger now, thank you for giving comandaments to the Calns. Wath would Starclan

doo witouth you Now I will giv you a namr."

"Wat!" shotud StarGleam ass he opened his moth. "I donk want my bame to be StarStar that would be stuped!

 **Second intelligent thing she's ever said. Note to pregnant warriors: this is why you don't name your kits Starkit, even if you think they'll be too retarded to be the leader.**

I want to be called GleamStsr!"

 **"Oh, hell, no." yowled Thunderstar. "You'll be Starstar and that's that! Let that be a lesson to your mother for giving you a retarded name!"**

 **Or, as the author would've put it, "'O. hekl, no!1!111" yiwlesd ThunbderSTar. "YOu"ll bre StarStra and taht''s thta!1!111 Lett taht be a lseson to ur mom 4 giovingf u a reteraded naeme!1!1!1!1"**

"Fery well" said LionStar doping his head he wold lisent to StarGkeam she was specal. I now pronunce you….. GLEAMSTAR!'

 **"April Fool's!" yowled Firestar. "I'm not giving up my leadership, and there's no prophecy. It was all an intricate troll!**

Butt as the cats begun to cherr, there was a dankness! The darknest swolled everything! She could small BLODO! Suddenly TigerStar and HolyLeaf were there! In her vishon! She sa them tacking over the clans and ther was an arm of rogues and cats were deing! And suddenly … … their was a cat suruonded by a godlen lite!1!1! It was… HACKFROST! He made all the bad stuff disapare.

 **Who's Hackfrost, and why would bad stuff despair because he's there?**

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!1!1!11!" yelled StarGleamStar walking up. She juts culdnt be in loe with HawkForest she just could!11!1!11!

 **What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17 Returnr  
StarGleam shock her head waling up from the derm. FireStar was looking at her and his gren eys where sorrid. "GlaeStar you were takling in yuour slept are you ok?" he asked.

 **"No, fuck off."**

JayFeather looked upsid to.

"Yeah yeah Im fin" StarGleam reponded gettin up. "I just had a badd dream thass all." "It's nothen."

 **Well, fuck. Good for telling off your blind father and your pedophile great-grandpa.**

"If your sur." Said FireStrar and they left the MonoPool and headed back too the Thundercaln camp.

 **and all died.**

"GleamStar your back!" they said happy, crowding all over her. LakePaw and RedPaw looked sad thou, becas GleamStarg has sad they cant be in luv.

 **Dafuq? I am pretty sure that not only is Redpaw male, but he's also dead.**

But GleamSar ingored them. But she new she had too do somefing more impotent.

 **Which is talk like a baby, apparently.**

"LinoBlaz" she said locking for her deputy.

 **Your deputy is a piece of linoleum? Oh, shit. This has gone too far. (throws grenades everywhere)**

"I nedd you to tack a patrole tothe Sadowclan boulder," "I need you ro tell BlackStar im leder know." she said and she turnd and walked over the keader's den evwn though everone was trying to ask her questns about the serimy. "Guysz let me to to bed" she said shoeing them awy. /"Let me have a niche to myself!"

 **"NO!" they shouted. "Crumpet powers, activate!" They all turned into crumpets, and Gleamhitlerstarfuckthatshit ate them all.**

They all walked away groabling. "She nevwr let's us have any fun" said BeryNoise.

 **I wasn't aware berries could make noise. Also, she's been leader for less than an hour.**

"Thats not kawaii at all."

 **Oh, who gives a fuck. Can't you go bang Poppyfrost or something?**

GleamStar didnlt care sge was waiting for FireStar. Then FireHert came into her den. "I'm levving" he said and he lef. StarGleam followed him uyelling "WAIT!1!11 Where are you gong?"

 **"To go fuck Sandstorm."**

"Well I cant be ledder so I'm just goint to leaf for a while. Maybe Ill be a rogue, or maybe I'll go join skyCaln. Who knows?" Then he luf. StarGamet was sad b/c that was her mentor and one of the cats she luvved leaving but it was ka since thass what he wanted to due.

 **Well, fuck. The only good pedophile is a dead pedophile, and he's not dead. Shoot it down! (grenade launchers everywhere)**

"Its oka StarStar" said HawkFrot appearating out of nonwhere. "I mean I love you so its all god."

 **YOU AREN'T GOD, HAWKFROST! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!**

"I no" said StarGlea prring she wrapped her tail around HawkFrosts face she dint care that he was a rogue, she loved him. And now they could be togethier!/

 **This is wrong in every way I can think of.**


	18. Chapter 18

Chater Eitheen The Deat 11 11 1

 **So 11,111 people die? As long as nine of those deaths are Gleamstar's I'm fine with that.**  
StarKit weak up shed been asleep. Their was ayoll from the capm! She run otides her den she junped of the HighRidge. "I gott to kill ou: somone sadi. It WA.S….. TIGEERSTAR!

"Ttlu." Said HollyLefa meanly from his ides. GLEAM STAR welled "GET OUT OF THE CRAMP EVERYONE"

 **How'd everyone get cramps? I don't think anyone ate anything, and as far as I know Cinderheart is the only cat in ThunderClan who ever swam on purpose.**

she coldu hander it heself.

"No" said BarkFall "we elov you somuch StarGleam we could'nt leafe u" NAD THE CATS FOUT!

 **I'm not really sure what just happened, or who Barkfall is. Why the fuck do you keep throwing random cats in?**

HolyKeaf turned into… a…. FUX!

 **'Fux' means to mess around/play around with something. Now I'm getting awful images in my head..**

GlameStar surpised. She jopped! But it was too latte!1 The foz was an inc form her face when LinoBlaze apparetd! She clawed him They're was bold. "noooooo" said GleamStart. She was greif. Teras falled down her sparkling grey checks. The shoned like the sun on her spakling checks. Her reinbow eyes where glowed lick skys after rani.. It was beutifly thohth HawkForts.

 **DAFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUQ? is my only comment because I can't decipher that bad spelling.**

"its oyak StarGleam." said LionBealz. "I doe for you. it makes me gay whit hapyness."

 **Oh, fuck. This isn't believable at all (like it wasn't believable ever)**

"LIONBLAZE ARE YOU A….. HOMOSEZZUAL?/?/?/?2" said StG;eamStar. gasp. was here clan bevoming quare. Bet b4 he colde awnser he ded!

 **Well, fuck. Hollyleaf, you're one shitty sister.**

"NOOP" said GleamStar, "HE WAS MY BORTHERS FATHER I WILL AVENGE THOU." She said. She lapped at HolltLeaf!

 **Why? She's not water? Oh, shit... now I'm getting awful images in my head of Gleamstar licking Hollyleaf's cunt.**

HollyFale lagged and run "its to lare" she meowled "lock behind u"

 **LE GASP, A FALLING SAFE, LOOK!**

StarGleam looked. TiggClaw was scratching DAWNSPAEKLE

 **Well, fuck. Of course there had to be rape. How silly of me to think otherwise.**

she run up the he cat clawd him he ran aya. "get pout of here Hacky-kin" she sad its too danheros" "iie" 9meanes no) said Hawkyfrost. "I lobe you my daer I wan't live you."

 **FUCK THIS SHIT! I DON'T BELIEVE A SINGLE FUCKING WORD OF THIS SHIT! (rages until gets dragged away)**

But the cats weer goin. Tiggerstar lagged sadly.

 **I didn't know cats could lag... like all computers in the world, apparently. (smacks computer as it lags)**

"you mayt have defted ous this time," his said "but nest time well be STORNGER." Then he left. Then HolyLeag left. Then thuneer clan was saf!

 **That's because everyone's retarded and they don't need to die.**

"since LionBleaze deid said Gleamstar I nedda new depudy. JazzPaw cum hear. JazzPaw came.

 **You will be executed for incompetence. Kneel before the guillotine!**

"JazzPaw I want make you in warrior. So you can bw my depduey." JaszPaw smieled! She was so happ! "JazzPaw form now n youll be JazzSong. Also ur my depdy. Anyone have a problem with that?:

 **Ooh, me! Doesn't anyone find something wrong that two six-moon-old cats are now, effectively, in charge of the Clan?**

she was mean bcase she was sad~ no the cats said obdenintley. They new he was sad. They ripsected it,, linblaze was her after all. besider mots of the cats thouhth StarG;eam was kawai

 **Even the she-cats? I thought being gay was against the Twelve Starkit Commandments of Shitty Fanfiction.**

when she was mad her eyes robbled. She and hawkFrost slept NOT LIKE THAT THERE NT MAKES THEY WOULD DO THAT YET DONT REMEMBER THE CMONDANTS?

 _ **Im sorr it tock so logn, but I think I did real god on hese chathers.**_

 **(snorts and laughs so hard) That's the funniest joke I've ever heard! If anything, their questionable quality is going down!**

 _ **I was tiered the last one was log**_

 **No it wasn't.**


	19. Chapter 19

19 The Mirage 1!  
The nex mourni StarGleam wock up and HawkForost was still sleppin next to her.

 **You're supposed to be dead, you son of a bitch, and in the Dark Forest.**

She dint wnat to ake him so she letf he then and went to look for a bunch of ctas to go on parolt.

"JazzSong RedPaw LakePaw FlamePelt your all goint on a parolel to the Windyclna broader." She said and then she went back to her den to wake HawkGorest up she had to tell him sumthn.

 **"Hawkfrost, I hate you because you're a Dark Forest cat. Furthermore, you banged Mothwing when you two were apprentices, don't lie and say you didn't."**

"HawkFrost lets get marred." She cok him up and locked at him expacently as he blined his amber eys.

 **OH, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That. Could. Never. Happen.**

"Oh sweat that's a freat idea! he said." Sould we talthe claN?"

"Yah thats whu I was wakcg you up." She left the den and HawkfOrst was folowig. "Let All Vats Older To Cath There On Pray Gather Hear Benth The High:edge For A Clan Mettin!

 **I didn't know there were vats in the camp. What would they store in them, anyway? Tannic acid for curing the pelts of kittypets who wander into their camp? Don't be ridiculous, that's what ShadowClan's vats are filled with.**

They all gathered even though Milloe was upset that BriadPaw had been hurt.

 **Fuck, Briarpaw got hurt? When'd she get hurt?**

 _ **(a/n i havent actually red Fading Eches yet but Ive heard that she gets hurt!1!1!1111")**_

 **Oh, well, that explains everything. You're a lazy cunt.**

"HawkFrost and I are getting mriaged!" yelld StarPaw happ;y. Everone startwf crapping!

 **The excrement filled the camp and drowned Hitlerfrost and Stargay. Everyone cheered.**

They were soooo happly for StarGstar they new she nedded a mat.

 **Oh, she has a mat fetish. Huh. I thought that was Graystripe, judging from the pickup line he used on her earlier.**

"Do you knw what we shuld do?" called out BubPaw and StarGleam didn't want to listen to him because he was stpid _**(a/n just look at his narem how culd he NOT be stupd!1?1)**_

 **Don't judge someone's intelligence by their name.**

but she was ledar so she decided to hurm him. "What is ist BubmFlit" she esked lokoking at the he cat.

"We should go annunce it at the Gathern!" he said and everony chered.

 **I stand corrected. This 'Bubpaw' is not only stupid, he's infected everyone with his stupidity.**

They all aruged with him. So the Thhner caln cats left for the Gatherin. But when they got there... they saw... BullStar was dead! In his palsh was... FLAMESTAR!

 **And just who the fuck is that?**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I now have a poll on my page asking how you'd most like to see Stargleam/Gleamstar/Motherfuckinghitlerjunior die. PM me if you have suggestions for more choices or the choice you want isn't there.**

Chapter 19 The Nwe Love  
 _ **Stupid falmes! ur all satinsit1s! StarKesus is ur saver y cant u just eccept that.**_

 **Oh, now Gleamstar is supposed to be my savior? If she is, then I'm screwed.**

 _ **Also im not a torll!1 ppl tell me Im ver petty!**_

 **I really don't think you get the concept of what a troll is.**  
 _ **Btw Jazz are you happy wih the last chpaetr? i no im promised u I wood mack you depduey**_

 **You fucking retard.**  
gasped! 'What are ou doing her FireStar" she  
said.

 **Who gasped, exactly?**

"I tock over ShaderClan" he said happly.

 **The fuck? That's Tigerstar's job, dammit!**

"I went 2 there teratory n they fondu me there. The told me that BlakStar was deda he was so dpersed when you bcame ledar that he mocitted swisscide."

 **Uh... What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.**

"OMIJISH BUT THASS A SIN" SIAD StarGleam.

 **Uh, committing suicide is a sin?**

"i know rite." said FierStart "but he was so sad yo woudnet be his meat."

 **Oh, Blackstar had a meat fetish. That explains... nothing at all. Fuck.**

GleamStar was said for a mome. But then she rembered her and Hawkfrost-kun were geting marred!

 **Yay! They get violently disfigured by a maniac!**

And she was happy again.

 **I think you have a slight case of bipolar disorder.**

She run towreds the HighOka a;; the cats wer catching her aw she past. They wanderd why she was even more readient then ussal today. It was  
bcause she is happy. HawkFirst throgut.

 **Bipolar. Or multiple personality disorder.**

"Cast of all clasn!" se yewled. "I have an nounce!"

 **As far as I know, 'nounce' is a slang word in the UK describing someone who is quick-witted, clever, and sharp. So no, Gleamstar does not have 'nounce.'**

"what is it ledder" they all said.

 **Wait, when the fuck did she become leader of all the Clans?**

"HawkFrpst and me…are getting… MARTED!"

The clcats cherred in saw and happy! Some of them where said the enver got t2 be StarGleams mat but they wer happy anyways becas they lovved her and knw what was bet.

 **Shit. I have no idea how to respond to this.**

"let the marrige begin"

But bfore the marige cold happin… there was a nose!

 **Fuck, where'd the severed nose come from?**

"I WANT HER TO B MY MATE" sdi a vice from Abobe!

 **I wasn't aware computer programs existed in the world of Warriors.**

"Starclan?" sad GleamSyar?

"No." said the vice. "its…THE DAK FROSET!"

And then therw ere clods!1111 It stared to rain! And..litening stroked! it hert StarFleam!

It hurt.

 **Yes, you already said that, motherfucker.**

AND GLEAMSTAR CODLU FELL HETSELF DID!11!111!1!  
1!/

 **Wait, how the fuck was there a slash in with the exclamation points and 1's? It's on the other fucking side of the keyboard!**

SHE wock up. Se was in the dark frost she rmebered. It was blak around. "blackstar" she siad wanderin if hed' wanted 2 see was blackStar a bad cat she wandered she didn't know if he wod o to teh Fark Firest!

 **Uh... Well, I hope she lost all her lives like Tigerstar did and she's in the Dark Forest for all she'd done.**

She shaw a shap in the dirtence. "BackStar?" shse seda. "its meh starGleam

Then the cat torned arund. It was… ASSFyR!

 **Who's Assfire? (I'm assuming that's what that's supposed to be.) That's one terrible name to be stuck with.**

Ashfir locked aht her. "gigle" he said "glemstar… ur beatiful….like SquireFlit…i wnted u…to be….my met?"

 **Sure, next the pedophile will say he's got candy in the back of his van.**

"NO9999999999999 OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said Gleam.

 **Well, at least she's shown some common sense.**

He looked sad. "what do u mena" he said.  
And then… was BROCKENSTAR?

 **The fuck's going on?**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Alright, so I took a hiatus on this for a while, but now I'm back in all my satirical glory with some killer puns to unleash. I'm also thinking about doing a commentary on Moonstar's Destiny, which I took a brief look at. It appears to be even worse than Starkit's Prophecy (which I didn't even know was possible).**

Chapter 20 STARCALN

"Oh no Broakcnstar!" yelled StarGleam mad;y I can;t be talkin to brokenStar!" And sheran away leaving AshFurt

 **How accurate.**

behin her. She run and ranned and runend and then se was at StarClan!"

 **Dafuq just happened?**

"Yay Im not at the dark Fort anymro1! she thought happly and then she wasked across the broard and then she was in Starclan!1

"Welcmon to Starcaln said YellowFangn she was stnding ther with LefPool, BrambleClan, SpottedLeaf and BakSrae.

 **"Now get out, bitch. You came out in the Dark Forest, so you stay there."**

"Blakstar yoyre not in the Dark FGort !" Gleamstar yelled hellpy, she didnt want him to be their she lovd him after all.

 **Isn't this the same tom who was trying to molest you?**

"Of course not" BlackStar relipe. "wy would i be their I mean I luv tou after tll2!"

 **Pedophile.**

"well thats tru" reoidned Gleamstar. "but I can't be in StarCan! Oalready came here once I cant do it agan!"

 **Uh, I thought she had nine lives now. (Not that I'm complaining...)**

"well it looks like you haf. said BlueStar and she said "but we cant send you back to the calns again, this time it locks like we'll have to REINCART YOU."

 **Whoopee. Upgraded Santa Claus riding around in a shopping cart pulled by Gleamstar before his untimely death by reality.**

"Omh Reincartion!" yelled StarGam "you mean like what haopned to CinderPaw?"

 **How the fuck did you know that, bitch?**

"Yah" said CinderPelt comin yp to her "thast what happened t me I was reicnanrt." She Said.

 **Get back inside Cinderpaw. (That sounded so wrong...) You're supposed to be reincarnated.**

"But it might be awhile" said SpottedPool "after all we have to figre out Ow were going do that firtsl}

 **There, proof that StarClan isn't perfect like you claimed they were.**

"go do somethinm elese"

 **Yeah, go do something else, like take up playing in traffic, running around the White House with an Uzi, rollerskating in Hiroshima, listening to Justin Beiber, or something else equally damaging to your physical and mental health.**

"okay" siad GleamStar and she luf. She heard her namer being called and she turnd around and saw HawkForst standing over her body.

"StarPaw noooooooooooooooooooooo!1111!11111!1!11!111!" je yowle. "Starcaln how ould you od this to me!" "We were about to get marti.

 **You can take up the hobbies I suggested for her, too, bastard.**

"Im sorry Hawk Frost" said StarGleam "I'll be back soon I think"!

 **You're not the Doctor. You can't come back as the 'Second Gleamstar,' although if you did hopefully it wouldn't be a Mary-Sue.**

"Wat whose there?" HawkFrost looked around but hed idnt sieantyhing.

"Its me GleamStar" said GleamStra looking at him.

"I cant see yo" he said and he buped into a tree. Then he fele down.

 **Finally, a few lines worthy of Hawkfrost's intelligence.**

"bye HawkForst!" said StarGleam and she left cius she didn' want to see what would haben when her belocd HawkyForest wock up so she luf.

"hi their StarGlema" said a voice and GlemaGleam looked around. "Whose there!1!11!" she eked and it was... Falled leaf!1!111111!1!11111

 **What's the matter with you? Hollyleaf left you and became evil, so you're looking for someone to rape to let out your frustration?**


	22. Chapter 22

Chatpre 21 The Purtle  
Felled Leaf what hare you doing here" said StarGlean. "I'm here to dilevere a propheci." He he said."I allredy kow about the propheco." she siad. "out of the darknedd, stargl will come and get rid of the evil tigger and holy." "Thast not one I mean." Said Falleb Leaf. "I mean….theyr are dayk throats in the forst."

 **I'm guessing that's 'dark threats.' If so, then yeah, everyone knows that.**

"w?" said GlStarGleam

 **How articulate.**

"U see ther are still cast who dont belive in Starclan."

 **So what? Let them speak their minds.**

"WHAT SIAD GLEMASTARR AFTER EVERTTHING IVE DON FOR THEM HOW OCULD TEHY"

 **Eheheheh, yeah, sure you've done a lot for them.**

"The Dork Forest is tacking over theri minnds.

 **Dork Forest, huh? Guess they're hacking into everyone's brains.**

Said Falled Leave. There using ClodTail and MotWig tu help them. So you must…. Start….. a war… ON THE DAERK FRSOT!11!1!##! Weave all ben watting for you GleamStar." And then he luft.

 **Nazi!**

Starlgeam dint have any tim to thick=====think becuse some1 called her nam!

"STarGleam" called SpotedLeaf. "Its time for you to b riencarted." "YAY" said Gleamstar. Thery was a portle. She locked at the portel. It was suierling 7 brihte.

 **This looks suspiciously like a Doge GIF.**

"Go in thru there" siad BallStar.

 **Ironically, he possesses none of the body part he's named after.**

He loked said that Stargleam codnt be with him but she new hed be ok. She nugled him

 **MOLESTER!**

he felled better.

then she wandred what woldu happen. "We ont know for sure." omitted BeluStar. "But it worked b4 itl wokr agaen.'

 **When did it work before? As far as I know, Cinderpelt's soul got sucked out of her body and stuck in Cinderheart's the instant she was born.**

StarGkeam was abuut to step into the purtel ehwn…. SHFUR!11!

"NO" HE SAID" I WNAT HER FOR HIMSELF"

 **Is there any tom who can go three seconds without falling for her?**

"quick StarGleam getting" said hestering towered the portle

Justs as she was about to jup in….. HawkAShfur pussed aginst her!

 **To quote a Starkit's Prophecy Doge thing one of my pals made, "Wow. Such molest. Much rape. Wow. So slut. Much genitals. Wow."**

She was nocked forwered into the suirling purtle!111

 **Actually, it's not a 'purtle,' it's a toilet bowl. SUCKER! DIE, CUNT!**

She lookced back to se….ASHFUR Had cum BACK ThRU TO1!11!1  
 **All too true.**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: This was on hiatus for a while, but I'll just bring it back because I'm nice.**

NextChapter  
 _ **oka im back! i saw the good reviews some ppl gave me and i wnated to come back. Also my friend JazzPaw is helping wit the chapters she healped me with the first tow but after that she didnt' have internte but hse got it back now. :DDDDDDDDD**_

Then StarKit wock up and she was in the forest.

"Mew" she said becuse the sould'nt talk becuse the was a kit.

 **Well, that's shut her up.**

"Hello kitty" said her mother and StarKit lookd up.

Her mother... was HolyLeaf!"

 **Not a plot twist. I saw that one coming... or cumming! (snickers dirtily)**

"t!" said SatrKit.

 **Well done, you've learned one letter of the alphabet, which is certainly better than before.**

She lokce around to see whar she was.

"Were in the Donderclan camp" said HolyLeaf "oh look here comes yourfather now!"

 **Well, it could have been worse. It could have been, uh... the DandruffClan camp.**

Into the nursey came... TigerSar!

 **Also saw that one coming.**

StarKit new ther was soemthing she should no about TiggerStar but she didnt know wat.

 **He's from the Hundred Acre Woods, where he would jack off in front of Eeyore and you'd watch it on RedTube. (No, I don't use RedTube.)**

"Thass your daddy TiggerStar!" said HolyLef.

 **Whatever, Tigger, now go masturbate to Eeyore's ass so Winnie the Pooh has some porn to watch.**

"I no that nam" though StarGit but she could thing about it becuse HolyLeaf said "Their are other kits out there go aly with them I have to takl to TigerSar in peace/

 **"No!" shouted the other kits. "We're not playing with her!"**

StarKit wnet out into the clering and the cats wer stnding over the body of StarStar.

 **What, no dramatic flashback moment?**

StarKit locked arund to see who els was in the clring. Then she saw RedPaw and lakePool sitting by the side sad'y with ther tals line.d.

 **What, they both had secret crushes on Gleamstar? That's pathetic.**

"I thught StarStar tild you to stop bein plebian?" saud StarKit speking her firt sors.

 **I preferred you mute, bitch.**

"How would yoyu no" said LakePawl gettin defend. "Yur just a kit!"

 **Finally, somebody with sense.**

"Your rigt" said StarKit "how do U no?"

"Your HolylEaf's kid right?" ekd RedPaw. "I think Book and StormFur also had a kit, I think his name is AshKit."

 **Oh, come on, he got reincarnated too? Can't StarClan adjust the settings on their 'purtle' to purge unfamiliar DNA?**

"Yuou should go see him" said JayFethr.

 **You're dead. Go back to your grave, you zombie asshole.**

StarKit new ther was sumthing familr about him to but she could't remembr what!1!1!1

 **He's a zombie, so he probably inhabited your nightmares. That's where you know him from.**

"Yse I will thanz" relld. StarKit and she went bok to the nursry. She saw AshJit but she dint get to takl to him becuse then ther ewas a yell from abobe the camp. "HAHA LAQWL" yelld a locked up. On on sid she saw YellowFagn BrambleCawl, LeafPolo, Wiit Storm and BlueStra and on the other were HolyLeaf and TigerStar!

 **I didn't realize this was a war.**

"Its a war betwen Starcaln and the Dark Forest!" said LinoBlaze

 **You're also supposed to be dead. Zombies everywhere... I can see it now: Warriors: World War Z.**

 **Oh, wait, this isn't canon. Never mind, then. (Still, it's a neat idea, and I'm sure I'm not the first one to come up with it.**

and then... StarKit realeid... her mom and dad... wee EVUL!

 **Doesn't take a great intellectual leap to figure that out.**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 23 The

The Starlan warriors stared attakihg the camp! And… at eh head of them…. WAS FIRESTAR!

 **Wait, you're supposed to have killed Blackstar and taken over ShadowClan! Fuck off to the Dark, Sark, Ark, or whatever xxdarkrosesidon'tgiveashitaboutgrammarxx is calling it now.**

Yewls shotuted all around Starkit. She run arundo she didnt kno what to do!11! then a warrori ran up she clawed him. Blood porred down his sholder wher she clawed him. He yelled and run away.

 **A day-old kit defeated a seasoned warrior. Somehow, I've got a hard time believing that.**

I can fight! Thouht Stargleam!

 **No, you can't, you're a day old. You're raping the wrong hole, kid.**

She jumped at cat who was rruning he felled abckwered he did. She was godo at thes!11! But how did she know how ti fight? It was a mistery.!

 **Yeah, sure, a mystery for everyone to solve... Who are we fucking kidding? It's Gleamstar, dumbass! If the author of this shit wanted to add mystery, she could have at least changed Starkit's name. Realistically, without all the impossibility of the TigerxHolly ship, they would never have named their kit after their worst enemy.**

Then a warrier cam up to her! he was very big ans StarPaw was afraid.

 **Well done, your first sign of non-Mary-Sue-ness. Unfortunately, it's deleted by everything else in this chapter.**

She didn't know if hse cold fight a cat liek him! He clawed her er there was red stuff cumming out of her era.

 **All too true.**

"owch" said Starkits he was mad now!11! Anger borned in her chest. She runa at him she clawed him real hard he yowled in pan! Then she bit him on the throught more blood came out. He cocked then died.

 **So let me get this straight... Starkit killed this guy, and his last action before death was to choke his chicken?**

 **Damn, son. Get a fucking hobby.**

Nd then….. she looked up and there was Starclan warriers running into the camp! There was CorFeather nad his bother EggleWing (ididnt mack hem up oka!11! Craw Feather relly had a brother named EagelWiKit!1)

 **Well, at least you got THAT right.**

and Bluestar and YellowFang and Spotedleve, BlackStar, WitStarm!

She watched when the cats fouht!1 the Starclan cats drove back the Dark Forste ones. But there was nise from behind her. It wasl…... GITERSTAR!1!1!

 **Where the fuck did you spring from?**

 **Wait... I'm making connections here. Giterstar. Giter is French for heel (I think). Giterstar just jumped in randomly. Springing heel. Spring heel. Spring-Heeled Jack.**

 **Does this mean that the mysterious Giterstar is actually Spring-Heeled Jack? Doesn't this all seem a little bit fishy?**

 **I thought so!**

 **Giterstar is a cat. Cats have four heels. Cats have two eyes. 4-2=2. Cats have one tail. 2+1=3. The Illuminati Triangle has three sides.**

 **Therefore, Starkit's Prophecy is Illuminati confirmed.**

"NOO" he said "I WONT LET YOU WIN" And he jupped at BlueStar!11!11! But she scrathed him!11!1 And he dide!11!1111!11!1!11!1!11!

 **Well, there goes my Spring-Heeled Jack theory.**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1" SAID HOLYLEAF HER MOTHER. GleamStar saw the sad in her eyes. She ran from carp!

 **Where did the fucking fish come from? I didn't notice a hurricane or anything that would be strong enough to blow carp in from the ocean.**

"oh no StarKits hurt someone said. "Lets get her better. "There were allot of cats in the hurt but everone knew StarKit was spescal so they let her get treted forst.

 **No. That's it. I've lost it. Excuse me for a second, I need to find my happy place, possibly with some roofies. Granted, it'll be the first time I've tried any drug, but still, the point is that Starkit's Prophecy is driving me to drugs.**

When sehe was better someone said "Oh no StarKits parents are gon. Someoen nedes 2 be her parents."

 **I pity those poor bastards.**

"Well do it." Said a cat Star looked aroud it was… REPDAW AND LAKEPOOOOOOL!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" siad StarKit!

 **I don't know why you're such a homophobe, Starkit.**


	25. Chapter 25

Chaphtrt 22 LEBIANS 1 111  
StarKit dind know why eh was so upest, but she new that it was NOT A GOD THINGG for there to be LESBIA.

 **So much homophobia.**

"Whats wrong StarGleam" asked RedPaw as she kised LakePaw ON THE LISP! "Your just a it why do you not like that ides

"Becuse being lesbna is WONG! StarKti yelled back. "Its against the BibTen Comandamnt."

 **What's the Bib Ten Commandments? Is it the Ten Commandments for using bibs? "1. Thou shalt spill food on thy bib. 2. Thy bib will be washed daily. 3. This fic is driving me insane..."**

"How would you know of the ten commandnts " akxed LekePaw "you werf here for that."

"I know" said StarKkit thuning "but I somehow now aboot it."

 **Derp. Yeah, _somehow_ she knows about it. Gee, I fucking wonder why?**

LakePaol shruged she didnt know how to responing. "Well the ten comadnt sarent' real" she said "so me and RedFur think its oka."

"Come backc to the nursey with us" saud RedPFur "your too youg to be out of the nurseyr for log."

 **Yeah, a tree could fall on you, and we don't want that to happen, now do we? (This is where you sarcastically respond, "No, VolcanicPizza, we don't."**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!111!1!" yelled SarPaw she refused to et herself be expod to the LESBITS!1!1!11!"

Se ran out into the frost. AssKit folowed her.

 **Again, all too true.**

"Whats wrong StarStar" she asked "why are you so upset!"

 **Now Ash/Asskit is transgendered. Oh, well, what else is new?**

"I'm beng rased by PLEBIANS!" StarKite yeled back. "WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG/"

"well come over her" said AshFit "maybe we can make them see the ligt.

 **I'm assuming that t was a typo. LIG was a branch of the Japanese yakuza. Dafuq are they planning?**

"giggle" siad SatrKit but whe went ofer to AshFur.

 **(insert intense assrape scene)**

But then a cat was coing throug the tress! It was... JazzSong!

"JazzPaw what are you dong here!1!1"! asked Starkit.

"It's JazzStar dint you hear I got mad letter after StarGleam died." "It was a sad deth."

 **I couldn't stop crying at the prospect. That death scene just brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was a natural reaction, okay? Don't judge me.**

"who is StarGlaem" asked StarGleam

 **Whoa. Let's just read that again.**

 **"who is StarGlaem" asked StarGleam**

 **That's it. I'm moving on to crack and heroin. Roofies aren't strong enough anymore.**

she new the nam sounded family but she didnt know WHAT IT WAS.

"it doest mater" sud JazzSong lets go back to the camp."

"Yay" said AshFurt

 **Again, all too true.**

k happly. They went back to the damp.

"No go see RedPaw and lakePaw" said JaszStar "I now they'e wating for yo."

"finefine" saud StarKit but im not going to like it!

 **Shortly, she jumped off a cliff and died. Everyone rejoiced. The end.**

SIX MOONS LATER

 **So what happened in the six-moon interval? Nothing happened?**

"StarKit from this day forwrd you will be NONE AS STARPAW!11!1"! sayd JazzSong. Then clan cheerid happily.

 **They know this is actually a plot to toss her into outer space.**

"Your mwneot will be" saiud JazzSeng.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!111!111!" YELLED STARFLEM!1!111!111

 **I wasn't aware there was a cat called Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 25 The Ask Qestion

 **I would assume all questions are an ask question, but dumbass me, there must be some kind that isn't a question that you ask.**  
NO NOT HAWKFROST THOUGTH STARLGEAM. SHE DIDNT KNO WWHY BUT SHE DIDT WAT HIM TO BE HER MEMTOR.

 **Finally, she's wised up and realized that whenever somebody more than six moons older than you asks to be your mate, they're probably a pedophile.**

"hi GleamKit" said HawkFrots walking over to here. He raped his tail aroond her sholders.

 **Shit, rape? Not cool. I didn't expect this to be a lemon!**

"want to tran with me tommorwo?" "Okay," said Starkpaw.

She went to AsgKit. "Hi she said." "Hi." He said. "Hi." She rippled. "do you want to fo huntibg with me desu ka?"

 **Fucking shit, was Ashkit speaking Japanese towards the end there?**

he said. "Ok" sie said.

I walked outof the forest wtih AshFir. WE wente into the froste to hunt. He keept loocking at StarGleam. She wandered y. Then he said: "StarPaw… I was wanted know….. if you… owuld be my Mat?"""""? he said.

 **So is it considered being a pedophile when you're the same age as the kid you're trying to ass rape, or not?**

"ONGOSH YESSSASSSSS SAID STARPaw cause she didn"t nemember ho he was. Fi shed remembered she wound have said YES.

 **So, basically, no difference in what she said to Ashkit regardless of if she remembered who he was.**

And then… from the buddhes…. CAME hackforst.

 **Why way Hawkfrost hiding behind a bunch of Buddhist people?**

"What are you inncolent fools doing?" said HawkFrost.

 **I typed in 'inncolent' and my phone's auto-correct told me it meant 'innocent.' Somehow, that doesn't seem to fit.**

"Shes my mate now." Said AshPaw. "NO WAY?" said HaekFrost. "I want her to b my matt!"

 **Damn it, why are there so many cats with mat fetishes?**

Ands then the FOUTH!

 **Fouth, I'm pretty sure, is old Scottish for abundance or plenty. So there was basically a bunch of ass rape between Ashkit and Hawkfrost? Both of them would have been able to survive each other's tiny dicks being poked up their ass without any anal tearing, but damn, seriously? Seriously?**

There was lost of blod. Stargleam cryed! It weas so scaray! "sto" she said but even she coldnt make them lestin.

 **Wait, why is she trying to make them lesbian? First off, wrong sex, and second, I thought she was the world's biggest homophobe.**

And thenm suddenly…. THEY WEREK ISSING!

 **Well, she succeeded in turning them gay.**

"NOOO WHAT ARE YOUS DOING?" SAID GLEAMSTARKIT. THEY WERE BING GAY! And she ran in the forest!1!2!

 _ **jeuss doesent lick people who flmale!**_

 **Jesus also doesn't like people who brutally slaughter brain cells on mass scales and make parodies of the Ten Commandments. (Trust me, if Jesus were alive today, could read English, and saw the version of the Ten Commandments xdarkrosesx cooked up, there would be hell to pay for her.)**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27 the Mameries  
 _ **stpo flameing! whats rworng wth i dont you knowe a good stoary when uk see one? :(((**_

 **Yes, I do, and this isn't one.**

StarPaw wondered threw the forst madly. She was anger.y. She lokked it was FlamaPelt! "FalmePelt help me she said yor a good steret cat what do you?' "lol i don know do wahat your heart says."

 **It was only a matter of time until somebody said 'lol,' thus casting this fic into hell where it belongs.**

She liked over to her mte NightRain. His blue eyes sparkeld shoningly into her wired eyes thier was one blue won green she was straet not like LakeP. "But dos it really mater? i mean im by so it realy doesnot btw i heard there makicng Satinclan."

 **Fucking. Shit. Stupidest name for a Clan ever.**

"what noooOOOOOOOOOOO" siad STarKit and NightStorm at eh same time. "NO YOU CANT BE BY FLAMEPETLE NOOOOOO ITS AGANST THE COMONDMENTS" nightrain looked afast!

 **"I don't give a fuck!" Flamepaw/pelt/whatever the fuck her name is shouted, and MLG happened. Or, as the author would have put it, "IDon"t guve s fucdk!11111" FLamepaw?pelt whatever the ufkcwh er nam s noaw ashour4d, nda mLG hapend.**

"so who cares! said FlamePaw definsively. "We." said NigthRAin and GleamPaw. "Why." she said. "because its bed." they said.

"well watever Im going to g join SaitnClan cuase im evil now by" said FlamePelt and she was gone.

 **Can you say bipolar?**

"?" said StarPaw beuatifully.

 **So tell me, how does one say "?" And furthermore, Starkit/paw/gleam/star/gleamstar/fuckingshitthisistoomanynameswhere'smyAK-47 isn't beautiful, contrary to the belief of practically every tom who's glanced in her direction**

"I DONK NKOOOW" SAId RAINspolash. And he rain off.

StawPaw was so sad that tears started to rall down her feca.

 **Awful images are prancing through my head now, pulling off their clothes and showing off their genitals as they do.**

Why nust her famly be so gya. she wandred. She walked and went until her was at the clering. "This is were we meat."

 **Yes, yes, I remember the last time I meat. Same incident I lost my third testicle in.**

she tough sadly thinking of HawkfRost.

And... then she looked at the tree!111!1!11! it was the same tree HawkGrost had hit put his into lookig for her!1!1!1! AND AL OF THE SUDDEN SHE REMEBERED!31!  
verythinga bout hawkfrost and FirwStar and all the oms who lobed her and the propecy and the forest!

 **Fuck. You don't wipe her memory and have her remember after seeing a damn tree, you have her stumble around making a mess of things. But you know, your shit to fuck, not mine...**

"~!11!11!1!1!11!1!11!1!1!1!11!1!1!11!111111" said TarGleam.

 **Wait, where'd this new character who look like they've stepped in an oil pit come from?**


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28 Shrakking  
 _ **okay guy I know its een a wile sinse my last chapta, but no I have somethin to say on th subgect! a few weks ago, jazzy intoduce me to something calld SLASH. At firt I didnt liek it so much but then since I new it exited and since i puberty I finaly admtted to myslef that I was...A LESBIAN!1!1!1111 I men i didnt want to admit it first but ten i realizd that its not god to hide my felings. I men I now i usd to be a homophone but evn thoh im not hapy about having to kno this i know its for the bet. I was awy for soooo log becuase i had to realse tat and aslo i was potsging on the OFICAL FORM. but everone their is a stanist!1!1111!1! so i letf. and btw i cnat bleive those stupid at dleteed my sotyr!111! :((((( there so mean i mean wat did i do to derseve this? But anywa here is the chapte.**_

 **All I got from that is that the author is actually lesbian and that she doesn't know why her story could taken down. Gee, I wonder why?**

Now that she remebred StarPaw ran ack to the camp with anew goll.

 **As far as I know, "golls" is an acronym for "Geek Out Loud Like Shit." Now it sounds like there shall be Pythagorean theorem, radicands, and square roots involved. Save our souls.**

She wanted to tll evyrbody who she RELLY WAS. Sh got bck ther and past RedPaw and lakePool on there way otu.

 **This isn't anime, this is a Warriors fanfiction, and a rather cock-sucking one at that.**

"Wher are you gong?" StarPaw questin.

"Were going to Stainclan" repelled RedPaw.

 **Why are there so many new Clans?**

"But why?" sekd StarPaw. "Bein gay isnt a sin anymro!" She whaled afte rhtem.

 **"She whaled..." There better not be narwhals baconing at midnight involved here. (No offense, Redditors.)**

"it isn't said LakePaw but you said it was!"

"I kno" saed StarApw "But ive found out abut SLASH.

 **Fucking...**

Infact I've relaed that I LOVE JAZZPA.E."

 **Seriously, doesn't xxdarkrosesxx get that when you make a character, you can't change their beliefs just because you decide you actually have a different sexual orientation?**

"omg relly?" esked RedFur cause she culdtny belief it. "but were still gong to Stinclan, becase wer also ATHIET"."

 **It's always been a belief of mine that it doesn't matter whether you're an atheist or not, you still should get to go to heaven as long as you're a good person.**

"NO." StarPaw muttered. "you cant goo! Satinclan is not the place for you. I shuld proly go and call hawkFrost and AshFit back beause they can be ga nwo! Oh and FlamePelt can come back to.

 **Shit... Somebody. Needs. To. Frickin. Bomb. This. Fic. And. Make. It. Die. In. A. Hole.**

"We;l go tel them" saidRedufr and she left with LakePaw. The StaRgleam wen back to tamp and wen she got thair she jumped o the HighLedRock.

"ATTENSION ALL CATA OF THUNDERCLAN  
SHE YELeld I HAVE AN ANOUCNEMTN.

 **"Nobody cares," sang out all the cats in unison, "nobody cares..."**

The cats . "What is it StarSpaw theu asked

"I HAVE A CONFESSN" SHE YELLD "I...AM...STARSTAR!11!11!111111111!"

 **"Makes sense, you're both retarded," shouted somebody.**


	29. Final Chapter: The Death of Starpaw

**A/N: So I was looking around the new story rules and I discovered that you're not allowed to do commentary. I won't delete the story, instead, I'll do something that I've always wanted to do since I started reviewing this...**

Chapter 30 The Revvel!  
 _ **OMGOSH I CNAT BLEIFE THAT HIS HAS ONLY BEEN UP FOR A DAY AND YORU ALREDDY FMALING!1!11!1! :( STOP! JUSES MIGHT LIKE GAT PPPL NOW BUT THAT DOENT MEAN EH LIKKS FLAMMERS**_

"Are you" said BrakenFur.

"WHY WONT QNYONE BELIVE ME" said starGleam and she ran uot of the cmap.

angry!

 **That's it. I can't handle this anymore. I'm invading the story and changing it.**

HOW cloud BrakinFor noy belivfe her after!11!11 And atfer averythign she done as a amaxing kit!

"Oh, that's rich." I laughed as I stepped into the story.

"OMGGGGG hwo r uu!1!'' srekkd starGeam

"And the first thing I'm going to do," I snapped, "is fix this awful spelling!"

"Hey, my speech is spelled right!" shrieked Starpaw. "No! Everything is spelled right!"

"You have been my enemy, and a curse upon the fandom!" I stepped forwards and snatched the purple Mary-Sue out of the story and into the world of gigabytes. "And because of that I must destroy the monster that you are!"

"OMG! I'm not a monster!" Starpaw yowled. "There must be some mistake!"

"Stupid as ever, I see!" I snapped my fingers. "Just for kicks, let's add some Undertale to this."

Starpaw turned into a red, floating heart. "Mysterious Figure is angry at you." read the text in front of her.

"What is this?!" asked Starpaw in a panic. She flailed and pressed "ACT."

"wat?" asked Starpaw. She pressed "Attempt to Negotiate."

"Mysterious Figure is unwilling to negotiate." read the text.

"You are a racist, godless Mary-Sue," I snapped as I flung my arm down, spinning the box her SOUL was confined in randomly as flying knifes and computers wreaked havoc, "and must die!" The stupid she-cat ran helplessly into every single piece of shrapnel, depleting her HP to 1.

"Now that I have your weakened SOUL," I reached out and snatched Starpaw's SOUL, "I can do what I want to you!" I pressed RESET victoriously and reset to the time that her mother Dawnsparkle was born. "Time to end this non-canon disease where it started." I entered a fight with the kit as she emerged from her mother and killed her with a single blow.

"This kit was born dead." Littlecloud announced as he pulled the dead kit away from her mother.

"No!" Starpaw's SOUL shrieked. "What did you do to my mother?"

"Killed her and undone your timeline." I replied. "Let the true timeline live again!" I did my best Flowey laugh as Starpaw's SOUL began to fade.

"Who are you?" whimpered Starpaw as she began to vanish from existence.

"Some call me VolcanicPizza, others know me as Alexander North." I replied. "Your creator and the other trolls that perpetrate monstrosities and defects on the true timeline like you will know me as the Moderator. I moderate the Warriors history as I will by destroying your technological essences and will for every poorly written trollfic that is a defect on the timeline that I can."

And then Starpaw, that monstrosity of trollfics and Mary-Sues, was dead.

 **A/N: If anybody wants to turn this chapter into a YouTube animation or something, you are free to as long as you tell me where I can access it.**


End file.
